Are You Ready To Be Friends ... With Benefits?

By

Are You Ready To Be Friends ... With Benefits? [EXPERT]
Learn why a "no strings attached" arrangement is easier said than done ...

If you're thinking about having sex with a friend, be very careful; it is not easy to preserve a friendship once you have sex. We think we can control our feelings, but it's not so simple. 4 Sizzling Summer Sex Tips

If one of you becomes romantically attached as a result of the sex, the friendship will probably not survive; if you've done it before, and you know you can keep your feelings in check, you might be successful ... but what about your friend? Are you sure he or she is aware of his or her own feelings and motives?

Think about it in advance and talk about it a lot. Are you going to keep dating others while you're doing this FWB thing? What if one of you falls in love with someone else? What if you just want out of the deal after a while? Keep talking throughout the FWB arrangement. It sounds a lot more fun and easier than it really is.

The benefit of an arrangement like this is being able to have sex with someone you know, rather than a stranger. The disadvantages are many: (1) It could be the end of the friendship; (2) one person (usually the woman) could fall in love, while the other (usually the man) doesn't want to pursue more of a relationship; (3) it may keep you from finding a real relationship, because you're too comfortable to look.

For men, FWB is often what they want — sex without responsibility. They also tend to take it for granted and will still be attracted to other women. Most males have fantasies about having all the women they want.

Women, on the other hand, generally tend to become emotionally attached when they have sex. (Men actually do, too, but they don't want to know they are. That's why they often don't realize they feel something for someone until that person is gone.) Women's fantasies tend to be about monogamous relationships.

If you start to develop feelings, pay attention! Don't ignore it. Let your partner know, and watch the reaction. If you don't get a positive response, cut off the sex. That's the way to see if the other person is also emotionally attached or not. Don't languish in a friends with benefits relationship when you want more. If he suddenly meets someone else and marries her, you'll be devastated.

If you want to cut off the sex, you need to explain why you're doing it. "I'm developing deeper feelings for you, and since you don't seem to return them, I have to stop having sex with you. I'd like to still be friends." Or, "I can't even be your friend for a while, because I'm grieving."

More friends with benefits advice from YourTango:

This article was originally published at Tina Tessina. Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Tina Tessina

Author

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
http://www.tinatessina.com
tina@tinatessina.com
562-438-8077
Dr. Romance Blog: http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/
http://www.twitter.com/tinatessina
http://www.facebook.com/#!/DrRomanceBlog
Amazon author page http://amzn.to/rar7RC
 

Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: LMFT, MFT, PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. Tina Tessina:

Dear Dr. Romance: If I am not strong, I cannot be an example for

By

Dear Dr. Romance: I am mid-thirties mom with 3 children looking to divorce. I read your article "Family Violence Q & A" and I decided to write to you for help to stand on my feet again.  I was a homemaker since I had my first child, but had lived very unfulfilled as my husband (who was my first and only boyfriend) emotionally and verbally ... Read more

Dr. Romance's Guidelines for Not Fighting

By

Fighting a lot? Dr. Romance recommends: No matter what you’re fighting about: money, sex, kids or something else, the fighting is an indication that your communication isn’t working. If this happens only occasionally, such as when one or both of you are tired or stressed; it’s not too big a problem. However, if you argue or bicker on a ... Read more

These Decisions Can Increase Your Happiness

By

When you use smart decisions and self-awareness to shape your life, it will reflect your deepest aspirations and your fondest dreams. Make your life your own. Decide to re-decide. Re-examine your goals and dreams. Don't just assume that what you wanted yesterday is still right for you. Have your goals and dreams changed? Give yourself the freedom to ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular