Dr. Romance: It’s a Dirty Job

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Dr. Romance: It’s a Dirty Job
"It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it."

Dr. Romance writes:

Richard and I have been married since 1982 It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s definitely been worth it. In the first year of our marriage, after a difficult struggle between us, I gave my husband a card. On the front it said, "I love you", many times, and inside it said, "It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it." That phrase has carried us through many difficult times since. We have kept our love alive, and the joy of this relationship carries us through the rest of life.

I read many articles about what happens after the passion dies in long-term relationships, and my clients frequently are worried about the same question. I believe what happens, when all goes
well, is that a sense of humor sets in.

The burden of passion can be a heavy one. Having to rev up the energy for a passionate, heavy-breathing session making love after a hard day's work can be an appalling prospect. How much more inviting it is to be able to have a silly giggle session, complete with sexual play, with the dearest person I know. Suddenly, the heaviness and obligation are gone, and if I'm too tired to be passionate and alluring, I always seem to have the energy to mess around .

Arguments are hard to have with a lovable three- year -old, which is what Richard can become at the drop of an accusation. He puts his hands on his hips, sticks out his chin, and (in a perfect imitation of a kid mimicking an angry parent) says, "Who did that?" He then points his finger at whatever offense (a messy table, a forgotten chore, lights left on) I've lost my sense of humor about. Watching him, I can't hang on to my anger. After we laugh, then we can do something constructive about the problem.

Please understand that I'm speaking of humor, not irresponsibility. We are both adults with successful businesses, and we have an equal, relatively balanced relationship. We hashed that out many years ago. We get angry with each other mostly out of irritability, exhaustion and frustration with our heavy schedules - not because either one of us is slacking off. Things don't get done at times because we have hectic lives, and hectic lives benefit greatly from a sense of humor.

I guess it takes a certain amount of self-acceptance to create healthy humor, rather than the hurtful kind; but then again, this loving, shared laughter has also enhanced my degree of self- acceptance. The paradox seems to be that having permission for child-like play also gives permission to be responsible and self-accepting. We don't make nasty jokes about each other and our love, and I don't exactly know how to express the difference. What I do know is we laugh together, and it feels good.

We have been together more than a quarter century. We could still grow apart, but I don't think so. This is my second marriage, and the first long term relationship where I don't feel in danger of being bored. I seem to easily run out of tilings to be passionate about, or dramatic about, but laughter never gets boring. It's also difficult to store up resentments against the person in my life who makes it easiest for me to laugh.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Tina Tessina

Author

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
http://www.tinatessina.com
tina@tinatessina.com
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Dr. Romance Blog: http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/
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Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: LMFT, MFT, PhD
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