Dear Dr. Romance: She Wanted To Still Be Friends


Dear Dr. Romance: She Wanted To Still Be Friends
Is getting back with an ex a present or a lump of coal?
Dr. Romance answers the relationship questions of a reader in a repeating relationship.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I knew a girl for a long time and had a huge crush on her. I'm in my twenties, and she is a year younger than me. I am a very shy person and would freeze up whenever I tried to tell her. We knew each other for more than a year and were good friends, so I told her, trying not to appear creepy and such. Luckily, she wanted more than friendship and we briefly dated (maybe a month), until she told me that she "didn't want to go out with anyone."

More from YourTango: Dr. Romance On Bad Marital habits

However, I knew that it was because her ex (who dumped her years ago) knew about us and started things up again. She said that she didn't want to ruin our friendship and wanted to still be friends. I was heartbroken. I stayed friends with her regardless, because I simply didn't want her to go away. Of course, once we ended things, her ex wasn't interested anymore.

A few months later, I was in heaven, because we started seeing each other again. The exact same thing happened. Ex comes back — she lets me go — he dumps her. I loved her and cared about her very much, and stayed very close friends with her for almost a year after this. I tried my best to help her get over this horrible ex, not for me, but for her. He hurt her so much. I admit though that I was madly in love with her, but tried to ignore that fact so that I could just be there for her. I just wanted to give her time before I said anything.

Then she met someone else. And I panicked, and begged her to be with me because I loved her and adored her. As you can guess, we barely saw each other for the next six months. Only here and there. She would call me to hang out with her and I would sit in her house in a cold sweat, wanting to ask her why she never picked me. I knew I was going to have to cut off all contact, as I was physically and emotionally drained. I couldn't bear to hear stories about this guy or that guy, Or see her with someone.

I eventually confronted her for one last time, and told her everything that I felt about her. She was very upset because she was very attracted to me, but she said she just couldn't do that to me. She said she would end up hurting me one way or another. After hours of pleading with her, I said goodbye to her, and haven't seen her since. That was a year and a half ago, and I still love her and want to be with her. She's the only person I ever want to be with.

I've tried so hard to move on and let it go, but I just know that we had something very very special. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do. Please can you help me. I am on the brink of calling her, which at this stage, could mean disaster or lead to a wonderful relationship.

Dear Reader:

I'm so sorry you've been caught up in this obsession. Every time you contact her, you begin your grieving over again, so that's very painful. You're fixated on her, she's fixated on her ex, and this is not a good situation for you. She's probably afraid of commitment, so it's easier for her to fixate on the unavailable guy. You love her, and she's been available just enough to keep you hooked. It's a dilemma.

As long as you are focused on her, the love of your life could be right next to you, and you'll never notice. Being friends in this situation is devastating. You were right to break off contact. Now, you have to let go.

I don't think you'll let go of her until you're hurt again, so here's what I suggest:

Contact her again, knowing it's probably going to be hurtful, and make a promise to yourself that, if it doesn't go well this time, you'll let go and move on. I think you're going to find that she's either moved on to someone entirely different, or is still stuck on her ex. If that's the case, then have a letting go ceremony: pack up everything that reminds you of her, and put it away where you don't have to look at it. Unfriend her, block her, remove her phone numbers, cut off all contact. Then, burn or destroy a picture or something that reminds you of her, to symbolically end the relationship. You'll be surprised how difficult, but effective, it is to do this.

"Surviving Loss & Thriving Again" will help you through the grieving. As soon as possible, start thinking about finding your true love — the one your fixation is preventing you from seeing. "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will help you do that. The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again will teach you how to find someone who actually loves you. Good luck with this — I hope you find real happiness.

More from YourTango: Stop The Arguing! 6 Ways To Calm Down & Communicate Better

More Relationship Questions — And Answers on YourTango:

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Tina Tessina


Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
Dr. Romance Blog:!/DrRomanceBlog
Amazon author page

Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: LMFT, MFT, PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. Tina Tessina:

Dear Dr. Romance: I can now free myself and enjoy helping people


Dear Dr. Romance: I came across your web site when I was desperately looking for motivation. I'm a salesman selling first class products but I couldn't get motivated and it's been a problem for months. It's been getting worse. I read "Motivation and How to Create It (Good Boss/Bad Boss)" and now I'm sorted out. I ... Read more

How to Be Irresistible to Your Mate


Once upon a time, In high school, I memorized a poem that has been a constant source of help and direction in my life and relationships. It’s simple and much more sentimental than today’s cynical age can handle, but the very simplicity of it made it a great navigational tool for me in relationships. “He drew a circle that shut me ... Read more

Dr. Romance On Bad Marital habits


Dr. Romance sees many clients who are having marital problems because of the following bad habits.  If you find yourself doing any of these things, consider changing your behavior or getting counseling.   You place social media above real communication This can be a big problem, especially with younger couples. Feeling that you’ve ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
Girl Decorates Easter Eggs

Are You Addicted To Comfort?

Don't be afraid to push the envelope—you'll achieve greater happiness.

Woman Weighing Herself

How to Lose Weight Without Dieting

10 Steps to integrating mindful eating- find peace, calmness and sanity around food and in your body


The Ties that Bind

The NEW D/s dynamic and its power to conquer your fears.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>