Dear Dr. Romance:
My husband and I have been happily married for nine years, and we have a good sex life. We love each other very much and want to grow old together. He served two wars in Iraq. About two years ago, I started being concerned about his sexual behavior relating to men. He used to love attracting women, go to female strip clubs and slept with some women before he met me. We were church people for a very long time, but we haven't been for a year. We are always honest with each other.
We watch porn together and I noticed he's attracted to men's penises more and more. I thought perhaps it was a sex fantasy. He even fantasized about watching me having sex with another man. I asked him if he wants to try with a man, and he admitted he is curious, which freaked me out. I got very hurt and he said he could not do it without my permission, and wanted to try it with me. But, I won't because it could affect our marriage if we sleep with other people. I would feel so dirty, and he respects that. It bothers me a lot and wondering if he is really bisexual, or it is just phase that he's going through? He said seeing nude men turns him on. Please help me understand. I'm in pain now. He is a wonderful husband and father. Hope to hear from you soon.
You are right to be concerned. Yes, it is possible your husband might very well be bisexual. The question is, what are the two of you going to do about it? You say you are always honest with each other, but are you sure he's been honest with you? He clearly has some urges, and it would not be unusual for a man in the military to act on those urges while away from home. It's possible he's never had any experience, but my professional expertise tells me it's unlikely.
Being bisexual in this culture is very difficult. To admit his behavior may mean losing his family and his social status so there are a lot of reasons for him to remain secretive. I strongly recommend you get couple's therapy with a a sex-positive therapist who is familiar with these issues. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a therapist who can help. Your husband may be reluctant to go, but tell him it's important to the future of your marriage and family. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free can help you work together to solve whatever problems emergy in counseling.
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