Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Struggling With Dismissing Bad Behavior

By

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm Struggling With Dismissing Bad Behavior
A bad relationship can become like an addiction—a difficult habit to break.

If you find you have real reason to doubt this person and there are real problems, such as lying, severe money problems, a history of alcohol abuse, violence, many past relationship problems, a criminal record, reports of illegal activities, or drug use, do not make excuses and do not accept promises of change. Change is difficult and will take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well intended, are not sufficient. Get out of this relationship before you are any more attached, or any more degraded, than you are now. If your partner decides to get help, let him do it because he or she knows they need it, not to get you back. That’s not a strong enough motive to keep him committed to change.

To dump a jerk, don’t be kind. He won’t get it. Be clear and say, "It’s over" in no uncertain terms, ask him not to contact you and then cut him off. Don’t answer phone calls, e-mails, etc. If you do, you’ll give him cause to think he can badger you into coming back. If he shows up, don’t let him in. If you have to call the police to get rid of him, do it. He’s a spoiled brat and he needs to know you mean what you say.

 

Know the signs of emotional blackmail:

  1. A demand. Your date won’t take "no" for an answer and requests are really demands.
  2. Resistance. When every discussion turns into an argument.
  3. Pressure. Your date pressures you to go along.
  4. Threats. Your date uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering.
  5. Compliance. If you give in, you’re setting a dangerous precedent. Your date now knows you can be pressured into giving into him or her and this will increase the intensity of what your date is willing to do to pressure you.
  6. Repetition. An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over, wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say "no" it means no.

For more information and skills for how to avoid toxic relationships, please read:
How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
Romance is Not Necessarily Love
How to Avoid Loving a Jerk
Avoiding The Drama Triangle

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Tina Tessina

Author

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
http://www.tinatessina.com
tina@tinatessina.com
562-438-8077
Dr. Romance Blog: http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/
http://www.twitter.com/tinatessina
http://www.facebook.com/#!/DrRomanceBlog
Amazon author page http://amzn.to/rar7RC
 

Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: LMFT, MFT, PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. Tina Tessina:

Dr. Romance asks: Are the Post-Holiday Blues getting you down?

By

Everyone is relieved when the holidays are over, and sometimes disappointed. If you're worn out, it's worth your while to take the time to recharge a little, and pamper yourself. Dr. Romance gives  4 Tips for handling Post-holiday blues * If you are disappointed, and the holidays let you down in some way, process that first. Write in your ... Read more

Dear Dr. Romance: How Do I Stop My Husband's Ex-Wife from Smother

By

Dear Dr. Romance:  My husband has a son with his ex-wife.  He is 12, but she still invites him to sleep in her bed. How old is too old to be sleeping with Mom?  I know kids from divorced parents have different issues-- one being how a child should sleep, what manners to follow, at what time to do their chores, homework, etc. I think ... Read more

Creating Family Acceptance

By

Lately, I’ve gotten so many anguished questions from people who are being criticized and rejected by family for making relationship choices the families don’t like, usually for cultural or religious reasons, that I changed my mind about what I was going to write this month. If your choice of a partner, lifestyle, religion or place to live has ... Read more

See More

 
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular