You think you're in love with this woman, but you're just in a power struggle.
Dear Dr. Romance,
I met a girl about three years ago at work. We both saw a connection, but neither one of us followed up on it. We were both in relationships, she was married. Several months later she told me things weren't good at home and we had started talking.
She and I became inseparable. She worked with me all of the time and we spent tons of time together. We did everything like we were a couple, best friends as well as lovers. She said I am the love of her life.
Later, after she filed for her divorce she suddenly started pushing me away. She changed her schedule at work, stopped texting and calling me. We had a date one night and she never showed up. A friend of mine saw her kissing another guy, and it turns out she had been seeing him.
Since then, I have tried really hard to make it work and to get her to straighten up. She will do good for a while and then start with small lies and messing with him. She told me that he just said all the right things and probably caught her at a weak moment. I called it bullsh*t.
When he left her, she came back to me saying all the things I had been wanting to hear and treating me the way that I wanted her to all along. But I found out she kept seeing him, and now she is texting the ex husband and talking to him, and making excuses.
So everyday, I deal with her crap, why, I honestly can't tell you. I fight, plead and just try and make her see what she has and that she is fixing to lose it. She tells me "You're right, I am sorry and I didn't mean it and I never will hurt you again."
Well, later in the week she tells me again, "I love you with all my heart, but I am going through life changing events right now and all I can focus on is getting healthy and becoming a better person."
She says she doesn't like who she is. I tell her don't call me anymore and that I am tired of riding this merry go round with her.
Here's the TWIST. I have a beautiful woman at home that I have been dating for three and a half years who treats me like a king and I never have to worry about. My girlfriend has this other woman beat hands down, looks, body, the way she treats me, personality, everything, but I can't figure out why I am hung up on this one.
My girl would do anything in the world for me and is the sweetest thing in the world and I am trying my best to screw it up. Women have never been a problem for me and I have never put up with any crap from them until this one came along. Please answer the following questions:
You think you're in love with this woman, but you're just in a power struggle. You want to win and make her suffer. That's not going to get you anywhere. Just let go. Here are the answers to your list of questions.
Q: How can I get over her? I am doing pretty good now because I have been fighting it for so long and it was all expected from her.
A: Good. Read your letter over as if someone else wrote it, and try to see it more objectively. You'll see that you've been caught up in a meaningless drama. Stop cheating on and lying to your girlfriend. Have the decency to be ashamed of yourself. "Letting Go Takes Love" will help you.
Q: What do you think about her and the entire deal. She cheated on her husband with me and cheated on me with another guy, and divorced after 10 months. But she keeps telling me how much she wants me and wants to be with me and loves me.
A: I think she's a mess. She has no idea what she wants, and she's doing a great job of messing up her life and the lives of others. She's poison, stay away from her. Easy sex does not lead to great places. "You Be the Judge" will show you how to use your judgment and think more clearly.
Q: We work together, so I will have to see her. What should I do?
A: Be strictly business, and act like you don't remember you had a relationship. Let her go.
Q: How can I make her hurt a little and see she lost the best thing she will ever have. These other guys can't come close to me and everyone has told her, but they have also asked me what are you doing, cut her loose.
You got a wonderful one at the house plus you could have what you want, why waste time with her. I don't have an answer.
A: Neither do I. Your guys are right. Listen to them. Forget revenge, it won't help anything.
Q: If she moves or when she gets it, do you think she will come back and try to make it right? She expresses to everyone how much I mean to her and everyone can an see how close we are, but if I meant that much she wouldn't keep screwing up and screwing me.
A: Yes. Bad pennies always come back, but they never change. If she comes back, she'll lie to you just as she always has, and you'll go right back through the same scenario.
Q: If I am somewhere and see her with another guy, how do I handle that to burn her the most. I just don't want to be thinking of where did I go wrong since someone else has her.
My friends tell me she may appear to be happy, but she is thinking about you all the time and if you walk in somewhere you will have her full attention.
They say she will be focused on you and wishing she could be with you and wanting what your girl has. They say she will regret this mistake for the rest of her life.
A: She's not focused on you, she's not focused on him, she's focused on herself. She is incapable of loving anyone, and she has a lot of work to do to get herself straightened out. Think of Anna Nicole Smith, Brittany Spears, all the other starlets who keep messing up.
This is the same problem. As long as you want to get even, you're hooked. Let go.
Q: What do you think will happen next?
A: I hope you'll come to your senses and go back to your girlfriend. I hope you'll get some therapy to sort yourself out. I hope you'll wake up and smell the coffee. Otherwise, I think you'll wind up making your girlfriend hate you, and having no one.
It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction will help you understand why you're so hooked on this disaster, and learn to let go.
For low-cost counseling, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
This article was originally published at Dr. Romance Blog. Reprinted with permission from the author.