Dear Dr. Romance: I Got Drunk And Kissed Another Man

By

Adultery: What To Do After Committing Adultery
Actions, even drunken actions, have consequences.

Dear Dr. Romance:

I'm nearly 30 and have been living with my boyfriend for several years. Last year we encountered a rough patch and I felt neglected and unloved, as if all the respect had gone from our relationship. Unfortunately this time I got very drunk and kissed another man. I confessed and times were very difficult for a while but eventually my boyfriend decided to forgive me. The problem is that over a year later, he has not actually forgiven me. Most days he will refer to what I did and how much I hurt him. I have apologized over and over again and tried to modify my behavior to show him that I am truly sorry and to try and regain his trust. I don't want to lose him but it is so hard knowing how much he is still hurting and also it is not easy living with constant reminders that I am the bad guy. I just don't know what to do for the best.

Dear Reader:

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but it's a good lesson that actions, especially drunken actions, have consequences. Modifying your behavior is a great idea. I'll give you some suggestions on how to apologize, too.

You made the mistake of giving your boyfriend a great excuse for not dealing with his own behavior, because he can focus on yours. Don't defend yourself. Admit you were wrong, but stop begging him to forgive you. Instead, gather yourself together and say:

"That was my mistake, but I apologized and have changed my behavior, and you said you forgave me. So, was that true or not? If you want to leave, go ahead, but if you want this relationship, we have to change how we deal with each other."

If he says he won't change, then you have to let him go, because as it stands now, your relationship doesn't work. If he says he's willing to discuss doing things differently, then counseling would be a very good idea. "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" will help you find a good counselor.

"Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will give you help in re-balancing your relationship. How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free  will show you, in detail, how to negotiate and solve problems together so you can create a good partnership. Share the articles with your boyfriend, and hold your ground.

For low-cost counseling, find me at LoveForever.com

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.

More Adultery articles on YourTango: 

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Tina Tessina

Author

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
http://www.tinatessina.com
tina@tinatessina.com
562-438-8077
Dr. Romance Blog: http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/
http://www.twitter.com/tinatessina
http://www.facebook.com/#!/DrRomanceBlog
Amazon author page http://amzn.to/rar7RC
 

Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: LMFT, MFT, PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. Tina Tessina:

Dear Dr. Romance: I Would Like To Get Out Of This Anxiety

By

Dear Dr. Romance: I'm a 70-year-old man who has been married more than 40 years.  I read your article "Autonomy and Dependency" I feel like I've been in a codependency relationship the last fifteen years and have developed anxiety & depression. My wife is a strong person and I'm a 'pleaser.' I've been on ... Read more

Live Outside The Box

By

I was speaking with a client today about how he is burn-out in his career. This is a man who's been very successful, earned a lot of money, and worked hard for a big, national corporation. I told him he was burned-out, and on strike, because he had put himself in a box about work. The box consisted of four walls: Wall #1: I have to make $$$$ amount ... Read more

What To Do When You (Literally) Can't Afford To Be Let Down Again

By

Dear Dr. Romance: My partner, with whom I have been in a relationship for the past year, has changed and let me down twice. We were first friends for several years, and became a couple a year ago. We both fell in love instantly and desired to live together to build a good future, financially, with family. We both have children from past relationships and ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.