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Dear Dr. Romance: I Don't Know If This Is Retaliation

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Dear Dr. Romance: I Don't Know If This Is Retaliation
You can't build a relationship on dreams of yesterday. It's got to be based on something real.

It's hard to know what's bothering her, since she won't tell you, but I have a guess. I think she might feel that you're very cheap not to spring for the cost of a long-distance call to talk to her. Especially with VOIP (Internet phone) available for next to nothing, I think she'd get the idea that she's not worth the effort to you. Perhaps I'm wrong, perhaps you have actually paid for some calls, but if all the charges are hers, that's a problem.

Also, you're moving very quickly if you're telling her that you have deep feelings before even talking face-to-face. It's also very possible that she is putting more energy toward a guy who's geographically closer. There's no way to really know. She may be worried about getting into another relationship that doesn't work out.

More from YourTango: Dr. Romance on Gratitude, Kindness and Happiness

What is the possibility that you can make a visit to her? It's really not so far from where you are. Make a plan to visit old friends there, and after the plan is set, let her know you'll be in town and ask her on a real date. Give her some advance notice, but don't let the trip depend on her. If you have friends there, you have a reason to visit.

You don't have to be extravagant, but do spend some money on her -- take her to a restaurant, a movie or some other typical dating venue. You've unfortunately allowed her to get the impression that you want a relationship without any groundwork, and I'm guessing she's feeling used. Another great thing to do is to get together with old friends and invite her to join you. If you do that, and she says no, then you'll know she's moved on to someone else. If she says yes, you have a chance (if you go slowly) to build something real.

More from YourTango: Dear Dr. Romance: why are men in their mid 40s-50s attracted to 2

You can't build a relationship on dreams of yesterday. At some point, it's got to be based on something real in today's world. "The One Who Got Away" "The Tennis Match: Balancing the Power in Your Relationship" and "Couples Can Cooperate for Success" will help you understande the dynamics of your relationship and learn the skills to make it work. The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again can help you get out of your fantasy world and into successful dating.

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Tina Tessina

Author

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
http://www.tinatessina.com
tina@tinatessina.com
562-438-8077
Dr. Romance Blog: http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/
http://www.twitter.com/tinatessina
http://www.facebook.com/#!/DrRomanceBlog
Amazon author page http://amzn.to/rar7RC
 

Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: LMFT, MFT, PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. Tina Tessina:

Dr. Romance on Gratitude, Kindness and Happiness

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Dr. Romance writes:   The founding fathers of our country saw the “pursuit of happiness” as an inalienable right – so important they embedded it in the DNA of the United States of America, by writing it into the Preamble to the Constitution. It was a profoundly new idea at the time. With it, they set wheels in motion that have ... Read more

Dear Dr. Romance: why are men in their mid 40s-50s attracted to 2

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Dear Dr. Romance:    I was wondering if in any of your books or articles you discuss about why men in their mid 40s-50s might be attracted to 20ish girls. I kind of know the obvious reasons, but being more curious about what that might mean maturity wise etc.  Dear Reader:   From your question, I don't know if ... Read more

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Unless you're completely out of touch with any media, written, audio or video, you have been bombarded with words like "dysfunctional relationship", "codependency" and "toxic family system". You may have noticed that there's a lot of information available about these relationships, but not too much about what to do about ... Read more

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