Dear Dr. Romance: I Can't Live Like This Anymore

By

Dear Dr. Romance: I Can't Live Like This Anymore
Dr. Romance helps a reader when they contact her about dealing with family members and trauma.

Dear Dr. Romance:

 

 

I've seen your website and I think you may be the exact person to be able to help me.

My wife and I have been married for just about 10 yrs., we have 3 beautiful children, and we live fairly comfortably (money is not too big of an issue). I grew up in a fairly affluent family, with good strong ethics -my wife calls us the 'Beaver Cleaver Family' .

 

My wife had a different experience in another country.  From what little she's told me, she had a terrible upbringing. She was born as a product of rape, so never had a father. Her mother really had no money so they moved around a lot. She herself was sexually abused when she was about 10. I know of a lot of alcoholism in her family. I don't know everything about it.   

My problem is we don't have sex anymore. Maybe 6 times a year, if that. I can't live like this any longer. To cope with the lack of intimacy, I drink on weekends, but never let it affect work or kids. She has a huge issue with me on that. I love my wife to death - I tell her all the time - that I here for her. I am a very big romantic - but every time I show any affection or speak of sex or intimacy, she closes up like a box and can't even look at me - and at times will even get angry with me.

 

I've taken her on trips, bought her big gifts, wrote poetry, wrote love letters - but I get nothing. I believe the last letter I wrote her was about 5 pages long - telling her how much I love her and that now I 'need' her back - like it was when we first were dating. She's never read it.

I'm at the last straw, I need to make love to my wife and have the 'returned' affection. If she doesn't change, I cant see any other option but to leave her. But that thought just kills me inside - I still love her too much. And especially I have to think about our beautiful children.  I've tried taking her to 3 different theropist - she went once and never went back - she said they weren't listening, understanding, to her... Do you have any suggestions, books for her to read, anything to help all?

 

Dear Reader:

Yes, you have a big problem. If your wife had a rough upbringing and was raped, her whole idea of sex was skewed by those experiences. She is probably suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and needs therapeutic help. To help her get where she needs to be, find a sex-positive counselor  and go as a couple. The counselor should soon discover your wife's history, and suggest that she get counseling on her own. I know you've tried therapy before, but you may have to try more therapists until you find the right one. Read my article "Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely" to help you find the right counselor.

 

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Tina Tessina

Author

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
http://www.tinatessina.com
tina@tinatessina.com
562-438-8077
Dr. Romance Blog: http://drromance.typepad.com/dr_romance_blog/
http://www.twitter.com/tinatessina
http://www.facebook.com/#!/DrRomanceBlog
Amazon author page http://amzn.to/rar7RC
 

Location: Long Beach, CA
Credentials: LMFT, MFT, PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. Tina Tessina:

Dr. Romance on Friends With Benefits

By

Dr. Romance writes: If you’re thinking about having sex with a friend, be very careful, because it is not easy to preserve a friendship once you have sex. We think we can control our feelings, but it's not so simple. *If one of you becomes romantically attached as a result of the sex, the friendship will probably not survive. *If ... Read more

Dear Dr. Romance: I don't want to keep making the same mistakes

By

Dear Dr. Romance: I am a 51 year old divorced Mom who recently began seeing someone. I like him and want to pursue this relationship, but I don't want to keep making the same mistakes! Some people say "be yourself" other say "don't do too much too soon, keep him wondering"...and I am  CONFUSED! I have tried to find your ... Read more

Dear Dr. Romance: I Don't Think I Want To Be In This Relationship

By

Dear Dr. Romance: I am currently reading your book, The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman can Make Before 40  and absolutely loving it. I have been married for a year and four months and we are going through a really tough time right now. I have suggested counseling and my husband accepted today. However, we keep fighting all the time and frankly speaking, ... Read more

See More

 
PARTNER POSTS
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular