Dr. Romance answers the questions of a reader who is afraid she is getting into a bad marriage.
I recently received a letter regarding a woman's doubt about her engagement:
"Dear Dr. Romance:
I was reading your article "When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships" and need your advice. My boyfriend of 5 years is quite selfish and literally a narcissist. He never did anything as a gesture of love except for buying calling cards to call me from overseas. We fought numerous times and patched up. Now we are planning to get married this year. He will be coming to my place as I have a stable job.
I actually am worried about my decision. My head and sixth sense tell me that this marriage may be another disaster as I was married before. I am also worried about my parents. What if he dictates about what I do for my family? He spends for himself but for no one else, except his own family members. I am afraid. He is a firm believer that he is always right—another alarming trait! His attitude over the years has brought some negative reactions in me as well. I find myself getting irritated, complaining, and fighting.
I want to get out of this vicious cycle. Please shed some light on this so that I don't suffer anymore. How can I be always wrong and am complaining if there is no good reason?"
I am very concerned as well. I'm wondering why you're even considering marrying a man you consider so selfish and uncaring. I don't know about your culture—is this an arranged marriage? If not, I can't imagine what keeps you stuck and contemplating digging an even deeper hole for yourself. You say he won't provide for you, he's uncaring, and perhaps even controlling. So why stay with him? Unless there are some good reaons for staying with him that you haven't told me, I recommend you leave, and ask yourself why you chose to stay this long with an unsuitable partner. "You Be the Judge" will help you stand your ground. The 10 Smartest Decisions a Woman Can Make Before 40 will help you make good decisions about your life and your relationships.
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