Dr. Romance helps a reader look into what went wrong with a past relationship.
Dear Dr Romance:
I hope you will be able to provide me with an insight. I was in a relationship with a man I genuinely loved and wanted future with. Our relationship was lovely to start with but after a few months problems started to emerge: another woman told me he was in a relationship with her and my trust was broken.
I wanted to believe him and forgive him but it was not easy especially as he did not want to discuss it with me. He told me they were friends (he never told me about her yet she knew details about me) and that she was hoping for more whilst he did not feel the same. She broke up with him (apparently) and although at first he did not want to talk abut it, at a later stage he used to tell me positive things about her e.g that she used to be very beautiful, that she used to work as a model and once he told me he was sad he lost her friendship.
Things went down the hill, our relationship started being very rocky, stormy he was often angry, possessive, controlling and had volatile moods. I ended the relationship, being civil, polite and not hurting his feelings but he was angry and offensive. I did not allow myself to be provoked.
Now, out of the blue after some time, he contacted me. I was polite, civil and exchanged few words with him but he keeps contacting me. It was difficult for me because he brought all the memories back for me - negative ones. I asked him outright why is he contacting me but now he seems to have disappeared again.
It makes me angry because he came back into my life again, thus bringing up the hurt from the past. I explained to him why I ended the relationship but all he said was that he is sorry for hurting me but it was not all not his fault. So, after all this time he still feels his violence, volatile moods, calling me names was all justified. To this day I am not sure why he became so angry toward me ... unless it is because of another woman. It is just confirming to me I made a right decision to break up with him.
Why was he trying to establish a contact, would you be able to explain please?
This man is a user, and he became angry originally because you didn't allow him to use you once you discovered what was going on. You should be very proud of yourself that you didn't stay with him. He will keep coming back, as long as he thinks there's even a slim chance he can get what he wants from you.
He hasn't changed, he doesn't think he's wrong, and he'll do the same thing over and over. He has what we call a Narcissistic personality. Block him from your phone, Facebook and e-mail. Narcissistic, abusive men have "Jekyll and Hyde" personalities, which means that they can be very charming when they want something.
Narcissism is arrested emotional development, at the emotional age of about two years old (which is the healthy narcissistic developmental stage). Parental permissiveness or disinterest allows a child to avoid growing past the 'terrible twos' to develop a sense of empathy, responsibility and socialization. Society's focus on youth worship also aids this lack of development, and all the social media, reality TV shows and focus on "it's all about me" completes the job.
A romantic relationship -- with the partner whom you hope and expect will provide you with love, joy and fulfillment of your dreams -- that turns into a miserable and disappointing failure is a very painful experience. I'm sorry you had to go through this.
I hope you will be suspicious if a future date seems "too good to be true" -- and observe him carefully to see if he has good character or not. Ask about previous relationships, friendships, and family. A man who is disconnected from other people is probably not emotionally available.
Know the signs of emotional blackmail:
1. A demand. Your guy won't take "no" for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Resistance. When every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure. He pressures you to go along.
4. Threats. He uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, intense persuading, rage, badgering.
"How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship" will help you know what to look for.
The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again has the information you need to date wisely and successfully.