Might As Well Face It: Telltale Signs Of Love Addiction

By

Rihanna & Chris Brown
YourTango Expert Susan Campbell offers sound advice to Rihanna and women like her.

If you answered yes to more than two of these questions, I suggest you take a serious look at yourself. If you need emotional intensity, for example, I ask you to look at what you might be avoiding with this pattern: Are you avoiding feeling ordinary? Do you have a need to feel special as a compensation for deeper feelings of insecurity?

Can you locate the source of your insecurity? What do you fear, specifically? Do you fear being alone, being rejected, being insignificant? If you can feel even a bit of this fear here and now, do any memories come up — possibly of a time someone important to you rejected you? If you can actually feel a bit of this fear intentionally and with compassionate awareness, this is a first step to healing this fear. Learning to feel painful feelings with compassion toward yourself allows you to dip into these feelings while you are in control — as opposed to needing these feelings to get triggered unconsciously by a lover.

If you tend to feel empty or lost without your lover or if you are obsessed with worries about the relationship, you probably have a deep-seated fear of abandonment or of being alone. If this is your issue, I recommend allowing yourself to experience the "alone" feelings triggered by the relationship but in very small doses.

And do this with intention, with the conscious aim of touching into your pain from a wiser, more loving place in yourself — a place that knows it's okay to experience emotional pain, a place that realizes a certain amount of "fear of loss" is normal when you love someone.

Most dysfunctional relationship patterns arise out of the need to stay unconscious about our normal fears and about the normal emotional discomfort we feel when differences arise. When we just can't stand any emotional discomfort, like when we have to have our own way in a relationship, that's when we get into inappropriate relationships that force us to feel our hidden fears and insecurities — even to the point of dramatizing these.

You can have it all in love: both hot sex and healthy love. You do not have to choose between being passionately in love and being a cooperative team. But to achieve this, you need to realize that if your current relationship is unhealthy, you need to take an honest look at how you tend to avoid what I call, "the normal discomforts of relationship." Dealing with differences is uncomfortable, yes. But to avoid dealing with your differences in a relationship can only create needless suffering or what we might call, "the unnecessary dramas of relationship."

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Susan Campbell

Relationship Coach

Susan Campbell, Ph.D.

Relationship Coach

www.susancampbell.com

 

Location: Sebastopol, CA
Credentials: MA, PhD
Other Articles/News by Dr. Susan Campbell:

It's Time To Face Your Fears

By

We hear a lot these days about letting go of fears or other unfortunate conditioned patterns. In the Getting Real work that I do, I help people see fears and unconscious patterns as a portal to deeper self-compassion, self-awareness, healing, and intimacy. In January, my new book, 5 Minute Relationship Repair (co-authored with John Grey), will be published ... Read more

What Can You Realistically Expect In An Intimate Relationship?

By

Have you ever found yourself in the predicament of loving almost everything about a person, but finding that there is one important thing missing, one fly in the ointment? Mary has been dating Ted for almost a year. In many ways he is her ideal man, but he is not as interested in lovemaking and cuddling as she is. She resents the amount of time Ted spends ... Read more

15 Statements Necessary for Relationship Success

By

  Have you ever had the experience, “He (or she) doesn’t get me….we’re not on the same wave length…we keep missing each other.” Pretty frustrating, isn’t it? In my 45 years as a relationship coach, I have discovered that most misunderstandings are preventable if people can master what I call “the 15 ... Read more

See More

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.