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Can swinging help you and your partner spice things up?
By Phyllis Koch-Sheras & Peter Sheras — Written on Nov 17, 2015
Along with the hot cider, most of us would like to spice up our sex lives this year! There's one way to do this that's becoming less and less taboo lately — sex clubs.
What if your significant other asked you to go with them to a sex club? How would you feel? What if you want to check out a sex club, but your partner doesn't? Often one person is more interested in going than their partner is, so how can you deal with this in a way that will enhance your relationship, no matter what you decide?
There are more than 3,000 Sex or “Swingers Lifestyle” Clubs in North America. Some clubs are for committed couples only, while other clubs are open to anyone. Often a club will organize a “take-over” of a hotel or resort on a special occasion like Halloween or New Year’s Eve with different activities on different floors, such as dancing or sexual contact. Clothing Optional or Nudist Couples resorts are also part of swinger lifestyle activities.
Sex clubs are all about play, but that play will look different for different people. Some like to watch, others like to be watched. Some want to make friends, and others want to remain anonymous. For some, a safe environment with a touch of peer pressure is important to help them lose their inhibitions; for others, the lack of anonymity is too much to handle.
To see if a sex club is right for your relationship, experiment with these tips first:
1. Try something new at home
Before going to a sex club, you and your partner should experiment with some other things first, like reading a book about sexual behavior together and trying some of the suggestions. You may find that this satisfies both of you enough that you decide not to pursue a sex club.
2. Visit a sex shop together
Start your exploration by planning a date to visit a sexy lingerie and toy store. Notice how you feel before you get there, when you’re in the store, and once you leave. You’ll probably notice that you were much more anxious about the experience beforehand than during it.
3. Play a sexy game
Next, pick an evening and play some sexy games together. If you have a close friend or couple who would want to play some sexy games together, invite them over. If you have access to a pool, lake, or hot tub, go skinny dipping together! If anonymity is usually an issue for you, find a public place to make out and explore how you feel about your exhibitionist behaviors.
4. Go to a strip club together
If you just want to watch, go to a strip club together and see how you feel in a highly sexualized environment where you can keep your clothes on. Conversely, go to a nudist resort for a day, where you can engage in nudity and voyeurism, but without the highly sexualized background.
5. Do your research
Finally, do some online research together. See what clubs are available near you and plan to visit them during the day to get a tour, speak with the manager or owner, and get a sense of what kind of experience you will have when you arrive.
If you're trying to spice up a love life that feels lackluster, going to a sex club might just lead to more jealousy than bonding, however. That's why it's essential to take these little steps first to see how you and your partner might react to an open relationship. It's important to be honest about your feelings and respect each other’s boundaries. When you turn a conversation about whether or not to go to a club into a series of explorative dates, you can use sex clubs to strengthen your relationship — even if you eventually decide they're not for you.
If you do decide to go to a swingers club, be sure to go in with an open mind and keep checking in with each other about how you're feeling so you know you're both on the same page.
Phyllis Koch-Sheras, PhD, and Peter Sheras, PhD, married for nearly 40 years, are licensed clinical psychologists practicing in Charlottesville, Virginia. Their most recent book is LIFELONG LOVE: 4 STEPS TO CREATING AND MAINTAINING AN EXTRAORDINARY RELATIONSHIP (Harlequin, 2012). Visit them at www.couplepower.com.
