Feeling sexy sometimes takes reminding.
Sexual remindersl? What a silly idea. Shouldn't sexual thoughts pop up "naturally," on their own?
A sexual reminder might sound frivolous—even unnatural. But being reminded that we are sexual beings, can immediately increase desire.
This is particularly important for women, who receive the cultural message that sexual pleasure falls down on just about every other list of priorities.
"Girls assimilate the cultural rule that they are not supposed to feel, let alone express, sexual desire," wrote Fredrick Toates, author of How Sexual Desire Works.
A reminder can help sex in couple of ways.
First of all, it helps increase one's libido. Reminders can help us remember that we inhabit a body, which is something we often take for granted.
Our bodies can become secondary to the pressing stresses and routines of our daily lives, especially as technology creates more and more distractions that our brains love. We can get so firmly lodged into our minds that we forget to "feel" or inhabit our body.
Too often I hear women, in particular, say that when they have sex that they remember how much they enjoy it and want to do it again, but often they forget again in the chaos of life.
Second of all, it helps increase ease of orgasm. Getting distracted by the pressing stresses and routines of our daily lives can get in the way of becoming aroused enough to reach orgasm.
As we get distracted we lose "erotic focus." Consciously reminding ourselves with sexy thoughts and feelings can turn sex hotter, and more fulfilling.
How to remind yourself is key. There is no general rule, except to stay true to your own body and mind. Here are a few suggestions to first remind your body, then your mind.
1. Genital Focus:
This is probably the best reminder you can do for both increasing desire and for building to orgasm. Studies have found that the more women think of their genitals during or before sex, the stronger their arousal and ultimate orgasm.
How to do it? It's simple. Anywhere, anytime just think about your vulva (or penis). What does the skin feel like against your underwear? Is it moist? Is it swollen?
Another easy way to jump-start your sexy body is with kegels.
Simply squeeze the muscles that stop you from peeing. Hold them tight for a few seconds, then release. Do this a few times.
Your awareness of your vulva (or penis) will be hightened. Blood flow and the heat that comes along with this will encourage your sexual parts to come alive.
But reminding the body is only half of the mission. The mind is just as important for feeling sexy.
3. Remember Sexy Moments:
Think back to your peak sexual experiences—the ones that were the hottest.
Think back to what made that experience so HOT. Was it something someone said, did or something you saw, smelled, or the ambiance?
Remind yourself of those moments, the subtleties that made it so special.
Was it a scent? Buy that scent for yourself. Put it in your desk at work to apply at the end of the day.
Or was it a word? Fit that word into an email or text to give yourself the cue for sex.
4. Fantasy: Let your mind create the ideal sexual scenario. When you are alone, undisturbed, play with that fantasy before your spouse comes home, or right before bed at night.
5. Read Erotica: Use other people's sexual thoughts and fantasies to drive your own.
6. Understand Your Sexual Arousal Type: We all have a pattern of what works for us. Know your own sexual arousal type and find out the best way to remind yourself. Arousal Type Tool
Sexually reminding yourself might feel silly to start, but once it becomes automatic it will just become a part of your new sexy self.