The top three reasons why women don't speak up in bed will surprise you!
Do you ask for what you want in bed? "I can't tell him what I want in bed, he will think I am calling him a bad lover!" This is one of the most common excuses women give as a reason to avoid the dreaded "sex talk" with their man. Asking for the type of sex we want in bed is the equivalent of criticizing a man's masculinity, or worse. They complain.
Why do women avoid talking about what they want or need sexually? Harvard negotiation experts say that women are much less likely than men are to ask for what they want. With sex being such a private subject, this percentage is magnified when it comes to sexual requests. Yet, most men will say that they wished they knew more about what satisfies their woman in bed. So where does this hesitation come from?
When interviewing hundreds of women about what stops them from speaking up, these three reasons came up over and over again:
Many of us don't bring up what we want or need in bed because we don't want to hurt our partner's feelings. Isn't it like saying, "you are an awful lover"?
Reality check: the truth is that we are not doing anyone any favors by giving our partners the impression that everything is just fine, when it is not. "I have never had any complaints from my partners," say some male lovers, but that does not mean there are no complaints to be had. It may feel better in the moment to not say what you want and keep it inside because you believe it will save your partner's feelings, but in the long run it may lead to greater frustration and resentment from both sides.
Sexual communication is directly related to your relationship and sexual satisfaction. It is not kind to withhole your desires from your lover to have a better, closer, more satisfying sex life.
2. Sex is a man's territory.
One reason for the hesitation around the "sex talk" comes from the tired stereotype that men are supposed to know more about sex than women.
Reality check: this stereotype is still pervasive in our western culture and pigeonholes both parties into roles they may not fit into. A man may feel pressure to magically know what to do, even though it is men who often receive less training regarding sexuality than women do. On the other hand, a woman, considered naive and sexually inexperienced, may feel like she is treading on a man's territory, or may worry she will be seen as a "slut" if daring to show too much sexual knowledge or expertise.
Isn't this changing? We see signs of more open discussions about sexuality happening earlier, but not nearly fast enough to save some relationships.
3. It will start a fight.
If a needed conversation has been avoided for too long a time, this will spark tension at any hint of a loaded conversation about sex. We hit a familiar "sticking point" and lose track of how to move forward. Many times it is easier to simply avoid the sexual discussion. After all, we already know what your partner will say, don't we? So, why bother?
Reality check: bother. If so much tension is surrounding a subject, blame and resentment can replace sexual arousal and pleasure. An otherwise good relationship can wither with this sexual disconnection.
These are only the top three most popular reasons women find it hard to talk to their partners about sex. Often, we feel like there is something in our sexual relationship that needs to be discussed and we don't know where to start to remedy the situation. We agree more than we suspect we will. All we need is someone with an unbiased perspective to show us the way back to each other, and then move forward together.
If you want to move away from walking on eggshells to being an erotic team, give me a call. I'd be pleased to help you through the process. Here are more helpful tools to move the conversation along: See how similar you are and where you differ with this Sexual Arousal Type Questionnaire. Read the Do's and Don'ts of Sexual Communication. Use props, like a sexual contract (free download for your individual contract—like the 50 Shades of Grey contract) to help start and keep a conversation going.