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7 Last-Ditch Efforts To Save Your Sexless Marriage

Sexless Marriage
Heartbreak, Sex

Don't let your marriage become a cliche.

What Is A Sexless Marriage?

I know, you think this is about OTHER people. But if I read the statistics clearly, it's almost impossible not to fall into in this club or wonder if you're next. That means there's trouble in the boudoir, and here's how to get you out of it.

How Big Is This Club Anyway?

According to staggering stats in both USA Today as early as 2002 and a follow-up full cover feature story in TIME to make it even more poignant, America's sex life isn't exactly a day at the beach. Not even close!

Are you sitting down yet? Yes, 20% of all marriages in the U.S, that's 40 million people, were living in sexless marriages in 2002, and those numbers have grown. That translates as "not getting any" for a whole lot of folks.

What Can You Do About It?

You probably know that old adage: "What is insanity defined as? It's doing the same thing and expecting different results."

So, if you think that you can get away with doing the same old thing and get more action between the sheets anytime soon, no way. I'm not saying that neglect triggered your sexless condition. However, it's probably time to break some of your bad habits that are contributing to not having anything that looks, tastes, smells or feels like a distant cousin to S-E-X.

What bad habits are shutting down your chances for more than an air kiss goodnight?

You've totally forgotten about your formerly handsome, fit, tanned bod and good grooming skills. Jagged nails, bad breath, a flabby middle where the six-pack abs used to scream out; all the physical things that made you sexy are long gone.

You have long stopped paying attention to the little woman the way you used to fawn over her when she was your sweetheart. The last note you left for her was to pick up your step-son or the dry cleaning, and the last time you gave her a compliment about how she looked was "Wow, you look great in that wedding gown."

You're not that great in bed. You've forgotten so much about what sex was like, you can't even remember whether it's a "G" or a "Gee, not now" spot. To you, an arousing invitation sounds like, "Spread 'em!" It's the same style of invitation for which she'd tell you that you don't know squat about foreplay, wouldn't she?

Your relationship skills are in the toilet. Repressed anger, drinking problems, a history of going out with the guys and coming home without any zip—whatever it is that's got you hot under the collar instead of your zipper (or hers), own it. You need to address and heal the issues.

So, What About Your Partner?

Nasty habits can make a huge difference in whether you are having anything reminiscent of sexual encounters. After time, lousy sex, an unattractive partner, or an angry relationship leaves one or both of you empty of sexual interest. 

Believe it or not, some women (and men) figure that if it's unfulfilling sex, why bother?

What Can You Do To Eliminate The Rampant "Virus" Of Sexlessness?

1. Set A Clear Intention:

Try having a new attitude. Instead of "Why bother?" shift to a "Let's make this work, babe" approach. Be sure to send signals or talk it out in the open, for clarity's sake, that this is your heartfelt intention. Then, mean it. This is one area where show, not tell, really gets your points across.

2. What About Foreplay?

This is the one word that makes you feel like clutching that white paper bag in the airplane seat in front of you, but wait! Foreplay trouble can mean a lot of things, like not kissing her enough, or rushing in between her legs when she needs to hear you in between her face (we call those things her ears.)

Whatever you used to do that got her heart open for your romantic advances, it's time to think back to the first round of dating and loving her. Then, get into retro mode.

3. Start Touching Again:

Here comes the real rant. I can't help it. I've written two books (especially The Complete Idiot's Guide To Sensual Touch, your personal touch instruction guide) with the Touch Continuum right there staring you in the face. There are five levels of touch. And, guys, let me tell you that women are not going to respond to your touching them for affection (level 2) if they think you are pressuring them into sex (level 5). And, vice versa for those of you whose babes are putting you in a mental vice grip to perform on command.

If you aren't physically touching each other any more, talk about the elephant in the room. Face your touchless relationship and discuss getting back in touch. "Honey, it's been almost as long as when you got your B.A. since we, ya know, did it."

Get savvy about the levels of touch and what messages they send. Maybe it's time to show your desire to help her relax and feel healing. Maybe you want to say, "Gee, I really like your hair that way" with an affectionate rub on the shoulders. Or maybe your slow, smooth, caressing of her inner thighs with that rose-scented oil and soft music playing in the background echoes what you really want to say to her, "You turn me on. Let's get into it."

Then there are some things that just send the Richter scale pointer to a ten that say, "I love you," which is what most women are waiting to hear.

4. Turn Up The Volume To Turn Her On:

Use videos/DVDs, girly porn and guy stuff to get you hard; on the softer side of adult entertainment, you can read bedtime stories with or to her. Buy some of those hot CDs with erotic stories for and by women, at:

Whisper those sweet somethings in her ear, like how much she means to you, how hot she looks in that new bra, (before you take it off her shoulders). Even a simple "I want you" does wonders for a lagging love machine.

5. Make Time For "Just Us:"

This is the single greatest problem I see with clients. Too much "it" or "me" time and not enough together time. I have couples identify it as "us time." Schedule it, book it and use it. Make that clichéd weekly sex date. Set up alone time for you as a couple.

Even if you just are together without anything sexual in the cards, let this special uninterrupted time take you wherever it goes. This works.

6. Focus On Your Partner:

Make special time to send your energy and put your exclusive attention on your partner. This means you aren't both watching a movie, having dinner, discussing the kids' report card, or reviewing the list of things on your weekend agenda. Garage clean-up duties or who got the tab on groceries last time aren't romantic or sexy. Put your mind, your eyes and your emotions on her and watch how fast she lights up.

7. Book A Telephone Appointment:

If this all fails, email or telephone me to book an appointment to help you two sort out what's blocking you. One expert said that most women stop wanting sex due to profound disappointment. Guys, listen up. Your woman needs you to hear, touch, respect and love her. Get with the program to "get some."

What If It's Really Over?

Now, one more thing I have to tell you. Some relationships are like that plastic jug with the expiration date on the bottom. Not all relationships are going to last forever.

Get savvy about how to emphasize the positive and learn how to eliminate the negative. Then get honest about if this is the kind and quality of relationship that's meant to last into the next millennium. It may have given you what you came for, and it's really time to say goodbye. If so, end it with grace, respect and caring. How you end this relationship is the lasting taste in your mouth when you dare to enter the next one. Be careful and honor each other.

Dr. Patti Britton is a Clinical Sexologist, Sexuality Educator and Master Sex Coach with top level credentials. As a well-respected pioneer and leader in the field of sexology, she is the author of hundreds of articles, four amazing books, and is former columnist for Penthouse Forum. Dr. Patti is a Your Tango expert, popular speaker, sought-after trainer and workshop leader, blogs on her own websites and hosts over 40 DVDs for women’s and couples’ sexual enhancement. 

She has a private practice in Los Angeles and via Skype globally. Dr. Patti is the Co-Founder of SexCoachU, the world’s premier training and credentialing institute for sex coaching. Her coaching career was inspired by being in the presence of Thomas Leonard, and her two amazing coaches, Julian Cohen and Cheryl Richardson.

This article was originally published at Reprinted with permission from the author.


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