Here are 7 action steps you can take to boost passion and pleasure in your relationship now...
According to staggering stats in both USA Today as early as 2002 and a follow-up full cover feature story in TIME in 2007 to make it even more poignant, America’s sex life’s not exactly a day at the beach. Yes, 20% of all marriages in the U.S or 40 million people were living in sexless marriages in 2002 and those numbers have grown. Sexless means having penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex no more than SIX to TEN times yearly. My clinical practice is filled with sexless couples seeking help to get back their lost libidos. If this is you, it’s time to give her or him a break, give yourself a break, and break your sexless patterns; in any other language: Do something!
What are some things you can do about it?
I always coach that doing something, anything, can be good just to break a bad habit or a pattern that has you trapped. I’m not saying that your sexless condition is being triggered by neglect. It probably lacks passion and maybe you’ve forgotten how to feel pleasure.
What bad habits may be shutting you down?
• You have totally forgotten about your formerly bodacious or handsome, fit bod and good grooming skills. Unmanicured nails, bad breath, a flabby middle where the six-pack abs used to scream out; or all you can brag about is your new tankini that hides the pooch. Yes, all the physical things that make you sexy are long gone.
• You have stopped paying attention to your mate, the way you used to fawn over her when you were dating or you cooed over his mussed up hair. The last note you left for your partner was to pick up your stepson or the dry cleaning. . The idea of picking up the tab at dinner out might make her think you took out a mistress the night before and this is your way of assuaging your guilt. The last time you gave him a compliment about how he looked en route to give that power speech was “Wow. You looked so great in that tuxedo on our wedding night (sigh)…”
• You’re not that skilled as a lover. You’ve forgotten so much about what sex was like, you can’t even remember whether it’s a “G” or a “Gee-where it is again?” spot. When you last focused on the build up of sexual charge before the great release was in the shower alone with your rubber duckie vibe or cruising the Internet after that 2 AM snack. Your three best friends are Cialis, Levitra and Viagra and they haven’t met the wife yet. Or you think that a 3-second dive down there will suffice when he’s aching for more than a flirt with your tongue.
• Your relationship skills are in the toilet. Repressed anger, drinking problems, a history of going out with the gang after work and coming home without any energy reserve are culprits. Whatever it is that’s got you hot under the collar instead of your zipper (or hers) own it. The issues need to be addressed and healed. If you cannot do it on your own, get real about it and find help.
Nasty habits can make a huge difference in whether you are having passion or pleasure at all. After time, lousy sex, an unattractive partner, or an angry relationship leaves one or both of you empty of sexual interest. You may not want to bother to do it again. Believe it or not, some women (and men) figure that if it’s unfulfilling sex, why bother? (That’s where a sex coach comes in. Help is on the way!) Or one of you may be bearing the burden of unrequited pleasuring or a nagging sense of resentment, or tolerating your sheer ignorance about the right buttons for you to push to make sex a highly anticipated treat on both of your daily to-do lists.
What you can do to boost passion and pleasure in YOUR bedroom??
#1: Set a clear intention:
Try having a new attitude. Instead of “Why bother?” shift to a “Let’s make this work, babe…” approach. Be sure to send signals or talk it out in the open to be clear this is your heartfelt intention. Then, mean it. This is one area where show not tell really gets you points.
#2: What about foreplay?
This may be the one word that makes you feel queasy. Foreplay trouble can mean a lot of things, like not kissing enough, or rushing in between her legs when she needs to hear you in between her face (ears.) Or never ordering that gift box of Cuban cigars to arrive on the doorstep before you ask him to remove your panties. Whatever it used to be that got you both open for romantic advances, it’s time to think back to the first round of dating and loving each other up. Then get into retro mode.
#3: Start touching again.
There are five levels of touch: healing, affection, sensual, erotic and sexual*. Your honey is not going to respond to your touch for affection (level 2) if he thinks you are pressuring him into sex (level 5). And, vice versa for those of you whose partners are putting you in a mental vice grip to perform on command. If you aren’t physically touching each other any more, talk about the elephant in the room. Face your touchless relationship and discuss getting back in touch. Get savvy about the levels of touch and what messages they send. Maybe you want to say, “Gee, Maria, I really like your hair that way…” with an affectionate rub on the shoulders. Or maybe your slow, smooth, caressing of his inner thighs while that patchouli oil wafts and soft music plays in the background echoes what you really want to say to him, “Derek, you turn me on. Let’s get into it…” Then there are some things that just send the Richter scale pointer to a ten that say, “I love you”….which is what a majority of women are waiting to hear.
#4: Turn up the volume to turn on.
Use videos/DVDs, porn, erotica, anything in adult entertainment that can arouse you both. Try reading bedtime stories together or record stories of sexual fantasies in your own sexy voice on the audio app of your smartphone. Whisper those sweet somethings in her ear, like how much she means to you, how hot she looks in that new bra, (before you take it off her shoulders). Even a simple “I want you” does wonders for a lagging love drive.
#5: Make time for “just us”.
This is the single greatest problem I see with clients: not enough together time that is dedicated to just being present as a couple. I have couples identify it as “us time”. Schedule it, book it and use it. Make that clichéd weekly sex date. Set up alone time for you as a couple. Even if you just are together without anything sexual in the cards, let this special uninterrupted time take you wherever it goes. This works.
#6: Focus on your partner.
Make special time to send your energy and put your exclusive attention on your partner. This means you aren’t both watching a movie, having dinner, discussing the kids’ report card, or reviewing the list of things on your weekend agenda. Garage clean-up duties or who got the tab on groceries last time aren’t romantic or sexy. Put your mind, your eyes and your emotions on your mate and watch how fast she/he lights up.
#7: Book a telephone appointment.
If this all fails, email or telephone me to book an appointment to help you two sort out what’s blocking you. One expert said, most women stop wanting sex due to profound disappointment. So, know that your partner needs to be heard, to be touched, to be respected, to feel loved. Get with the program to “get some”.
Love and light,
*The Art of Sex Coaching: Expanding Your Practice (pp. 163-164)