According to staggering stats in both USA Today as early as 2002 and a follow-up full cover feature story in TIME in 2007 to make it even more poignant, America’s sex life’s not exactly a day at the beach. Yes, 20% of all marriages in the U.S or 40 million people were living in sexless marriages in 2002 and those numbers have grown. Sexless means having penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex no more than SIX to TEN times yearly. My clinical practice is filled with sexless couples seeking help to get back their lost libidos. If this is you, it’s time to give her or him a break, give yourself a break, and break your sexless patterns; in any other language: Do something!
What are some things you can do about it?
I always coach that doing something, anything, can be good just to break a bad habit or a pattern that has you trapped. I’m not saying that your sexless condition is being triggered by neglect. It probably lacks passion and maybe you’ve forgotten how to feel pleasure.
What bad habits may be shutting you down?
• You have totally forgotten about your formerly bodacious or handsome, fit bod and good grooming skills. Unmanicured nails, bad breath, a flabby middle where the six-pack abs used to scream out; or all you can brag about is your new tankini that hides the pooch. Yes, all the physical things that make you sexy are long gone.
• You have stopped paying attention to your mate, the way you used to fawn over her when you were dating or you cooed over his mussed up hair. The last note you left for your partner was to pick up your stepson or the dry cleaning. . The idea of picking up the tab at dinner out might make her think you took out a mistress the night before and this is your way of assuaging your guilt. The last time you gave him a compliment about how he looked en route to give that power speech was “Wow. You looked so great in that tuxedo on our wedding night (sigh)…”
• You’re not that skilled as a lover. You’ve forgotten so much about what sex was like, you can’t even remember whether it’s a “G” or a “Gee-where it is again?” spot. When you last focused on the build up of sexual charge before the great release was in the shower alone with your rubber duckie vibe or cruising the Internet after that 2 AM snack. Your three best friends are Cialis, Levitra and Viagra and they haven’t met the wife yet. Or you think that a 3-second dive down there will suffice when he’s aching for more than a flirt with your tongue.
• Your relationship skills are in the toilet. Repressed anger, drinking problems, a history of going out with the gang after work and coming home without any energy reserve are culprits. Whatever it is that’s got you hot under the collar instead of your zipper (or hers) own it. The issues need to be addressed and healed. If you cannot do it on your own, get real about it and find help.