Hope is not lost.
Your ability to get aroused has just completely turned off and, as a result, you're starting to actually hate sex (and avoid it at all costs).
The desire to have sex and then physically loving it when you do is often easily lost in a loving partnership. Many times, that shift from having regular hot sex to no sex happens suddenly in a marriage. And that shift usually causes major shifts in your attitude toward you husband (and not for the better).
So, what the heck is going on?
So many things can negatively affect your sex drive: body/hormonal changes, stress, and other daily obligations that demand your attention. This sudden halt in your lovey-dovey desire can quickly drive a wedge in your relationship, even when you truly love him.
When you start to 'hate sex', it's common to push your husband away because you don’t want to address the subject, you feel awkward and embarrassed.
The conversation seems tough because you don’t want him to misinterpret your lack of sexual interest as the end of your relationship or rejection. You don't want to hurt him, yet you don't want to fake feeling turned on when you're not.
You feel that you must show him that you love him with sex, BUT you feel completely turned off and sexually dried up. Your juices are not flowing AT ALL. Which makes you fear he'll look elsewhere, which just compounds your stress and shuts you down sexually even more.
So what can you DO when you find yourself hating sex?
Rest assured, even though loathing sex seems impossible to change, there are powerful, helpful things you can do to ease back into the juicy flow of lovemaking.
Sex is woven into the fabric of our lives and it carries a lot of baggage, so there are mental and emotional things you may need to resolve before you crave sex again. In fact, addressing these things can positively shift you (your mind and your body) so dramatically that you end up enjoying sex more than you ever expected possible.
Although your resistance to sex feels insurmountable now — you may feel totally repulsed by sex at this point — it's important for you to make an internal decision about whether you're willing to find a positive thought or feeling of connection with sex and grow from there.
If you are, here are five things you can do to overcome your resistance to sex with the man you love:
1. You must open up and talk about sex
First things first! Communication and conversation are vital to regenerating your desire for sex. Speaking up about it really does help.
The longer you block the sex conversation, avoid it, push it away, and make excuses, the harder opening up and talking about it will feel. So, time is of the essence.
Speak honestly and openly about how you feel about sex with your husband. If that doesn’t work, talk to a therapist, friend, or sexual expert. There is nothing more liberating to your sex drive than honoring your own voice.
2. Rediscover your own desires
After talking openly with your husband, create a secret space to privately write down all your thoughts and feelings, without censoring yourself. Make this your Desire Journal. Use it to note the ebb and flow of your desire as you work to reclaim it. Every woman has desires, but they're sometimes the last thing we talk about in marriage.
Desire in its purest form breeds passion, and as you become passionate again, you'll find your natural instincts open up… and yes, this includes loving sex! The power of inner desire is one of the most incredible states of connection.
Writing down your desires (whether for a piece of chocolate, a warm bath, or physical touch) is a simple exercise that can help steadily tune you into your natural need for sex.
Remember — sexual desire for women involves emotional connection, too, so nurture your desires on all levels to gain your arousal back.
3. Get in touch with your naked body
Pen on paper is great. However, overcoming your hatred of sex also requires you connecting with your body in an authentic, natural way. Detachment from your sexuality is detachment from your physical self. It's time to get back in touch with your physical form in loving ways.
A great way to begin is by spending time outside in nature — a sunny day reading in the park, an evening walk by the ocean. Your sex drive is a direct extension of your connection to natural beauty. So, find ways to take mini-vacations outside every day and reconnect with the earth in some way. Take a walk, go for a run, sit on your breezy porch — slow, deep breaths taken outside work wonders for releasing the emotional tension linked to your low libido.
Next, start spending some time in the nude. Appreciate your naked body in the mirror and increase your awareness of being in your own skin. A bigger leap toward increased sexuality includes nude yoga, sitting nude in a hot tub, or going skinny dipping.
All of these are actions increase your connection to suppressed sexual instincts and help you start feeling turned on again.
4. Manage your stress levels
The most important thing you can do to restore your sexual desire is tend to your stress levels. Many things cause stress in your life but some are more potent than others.
Maybe in the past, you used a good orgasm to release stress, but when you hate sex, you need new, alternate measures.
Feeling sexually shut down is likely tied to feeling unhappy or exhausted. Stress in your marriage also directly affects how you feel about sex. Knowing your stressors (and how to eliminate them) can help reduce the impact they take on your sex drive.
Find a regular outlet for your stress through vigorous exercise, massage, yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises. The more you move your body, the better you'll feel, and your sexual drive may reappear quickly so you can reclaim your sexually loving marriage.
5. Focus on sensuality, not sex
All of the advice above aims to get you feeling sensual, not sexual.
Sex feels much better for women when there is a bridge to intercourse — sensation. Connect sensually with your husband before you try to resume having intercourse. Slow down and take the time needed to get FULLY aroused.
You have FIVE senses — explore them all! Rekindle your sexual passion through alternate sensual expression, including, candles, aromatherapy, hot tubs, saunas, massage, oils, baths and chocolate. All of these stimulate your senses, fuel excitement and help get you aroused.
When you love your husband, but just can’t get your sexual desire flowing, you must take action.
Don't run from the problem. But don't force yourself to have sex either. Instead, starting bridging the gap between your mind and your body ... as well as the gap between love and sexual desire.
For more information on Sexual Healing visit us at www.sacredosexuality.com.