THE SESSIONS: 10 Things You Can Learn From a Sex Surrogate


THE SESSIONS: 10 Things You Can Learn From a Sex Surrogate
Guilt, shame, fear, and feeling unlovable can all fuel anxiety over sex but these are treatable.

7) Take turns.  Sex doesn’t always have to be mutually stimulating and orgasms don’t need to be simultaneous. Simultaneous orgasms are wonderful when they happen.  However, a lot of anxiety can be generated when couples “strive” to climax at the same time. Overly goal-oriented sex can rob the experience of true sensuality. You can take turns giving and receiving pleasure and that doesn’t even have to be in the same session or on the same day. Learning to give selflessly (not for what you’ll get in return) and to receive which is to say an act of surrender will add new dimensions to your sensations.

8) With patience, understanding, perseverance and a sense of humor premature ejaculation (PE) can be overcome. In fact, patience, understanding and a sense of humor can smooth the way in a variety of problematic sexual situations.
After securing a sex partner, PE turned out to be the primary roadblock to O’Brien fulfilling his desire to loose his virginity.  Fortunately sexual surrogates are well versed in teaching techniques to gain more control over the timing of release.

Over three sessions, O’Brien learned to relax enough to hold off until he achieved penetration. In the first session he came before Cohen Green’s could even get into bed; in the second session he ejaculated on her thigh and again upon attempted intercourse; in the third session O’Brien was able to enter Cohen Green and ejaculate inside her, if only for a few moments.

Cohen Green’s approach of taking each incident in stride made this progress possible. Undismayed, she taught him that PE doesn't have to end sexual activity and that he can regain his erection and try again. She complimented him on his load after he releases too soon (see looks down and says, “Impressive.”), explained to him that his PE wasn’t a curse from God but that it was her overwhelming beauty that made him loose control, and gave him a detailed account of what she was going to do next. Through her patience and understanding, O’Brien’s feelings of anger, self-hatred, and humiliation over his PE began to subside. After his success Cohen Green asked if he had enjoyed himself. O’Brien replied in the affirmative but only up until his early climax. From his essay, “She assured me that she had enjoyed it, which cheered me somewhat. And it was still pleasant for me, lying beside her, the two of us naked.”

9) It is important to set and maintain boundaries in a relationship.  Cohen Green explained up front that their sessions would be limited in number to six. The relationship wasn’t about her needs but about helping him reach his desired goals. Cohen Green began to question her feelings toward O’Brien and sensed that she was on the verge of crossing a professional boundary.  Hence, she suggested their fourth session, when O’Brien had already reached his stated goal of successful intercourse, be their last. Setting a boundary in a personal relationship can be as simple as saying, “don’t come in the bathroom while I’m on the toilet.” Being clear what is and is not OK with you, allows you to feel comfortable and safe within the relationship.

10) Intercourse is not the end all and be all. I leave you with these words from O’Brien’s essay: “Is it in?” “Yes, it’s in.”  “I couldn’t believe it. Here I was having intercourse and it didn’t feel like the greatest thing in the world. Intercourse was certainly pleasant, but I had enjoyed the foreplay — the kissing, the rubbing, the licking — more.”

Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Mitchell Tepper


Mitchell S. Tepper, PhD, MPH
AASECT Certified Sexuality Educator and Counselor

Location: Atlanta, GA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Couples/Marital Issues, Chronic Pain/Disability or Illness, Sexuality
Other Articles/News by Dr. Mitchell Tepper:

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