50 Things You Should Try For Hotter Sex
ProConnect

What We REALLY Want From Sex

By

What We REALLY Want From Sex
What do we want from sex? Most people say pleasure & closeness. So why don't we focus on that?

To enhance this “pleasure and closeness” that most of us desire, we need a different approach to sex. For starters, we need to understand that sexual function is a means to an end, not an end in itself. Lubricating or getting erect isn’t worth much if we’re anxious, self-critical, or don’t feel safe. So focusing on genital hydraulics isn’t going to get us what we want.

We also need to understand that orgasm is not the point of sex. Say a sexual encounter lasts, oh, 25 minutes from first glance to last cuddle; and say an orgasm lasts between five and ten seconds (you have multiple orgasms, Miss? OK, add another ten seconds). How can fifteen seconds determine whether the preceding 24¾ minutes were satisfying or a waste of time?

More from YourTango: Emotional Intimacy: How Being Vulnerable Can Lead To Red-Hot Sex

What would you say to someone who told you, “The meal at that restaurant was OK, but I was so focused on getting dessert that I didn’t really let myself get too involved in the wine, salad, bread, main course, service, music, or décor”? Don’t waste your time during sex primarily working toward a climax. Of course, if you feel bored during sex, I can understand you looking beyond the boring part to the exciting finish. But that’s the point—if you want to improve your sexual relationship, you need to focus beyond performance and orgasm. You need to connect, actually talking about what’s going on. And I understand that can be scary.

One more thing with which people distract themselves during sex: the desire to be sexually normal, and the concern that maybe you’re not. I’ll cover that in our next installment.

#

More from YourTango: 5 Sex Habits To Break Before The New Year

Dr. Marty Klein is a marriage counselor and sex therapist with 30 years experience. His latest book is SEXUAL INTELLIGENCE: What We Really Want From Sex, and How to Get It.  For more Sexual Intelligence, see and sign up for Dr. Klein’s blog/newsletter, at www.MartyKlein.com.

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Marty Klein

Author

Dr. Marty Klein is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

In his award-winning books lectures, newsletter, and therapy, he helps men & women understand and accept themselves and their sexuality, reducing their feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and isolation.

Dr. Klein's new book is Sexual Intelligence. Psychology Today says, "Read this book if you want to improve your sex life." To connect with Dr. Klein, see his provocative newsletter.

Location: Palo Alto, CA
Credentials: MFT, PhD
Specialties: Couples/Marital Issues, Infidelity / Affair Recovery, Sexuality
Other Articles/News by Dr. Marty Klein:

What Do People Want To Know About Sex?

By

What do people want to know about sex? At the invitation of YourTango.com, I just spent the day on a panel with four other sexuality professionals. Our mission? List some of the most common questions about sex — and answer them. We pretty much agreed on the sexual topics people want to know more about: desire, pornography, cheating, male-female ... Read more

Symptoms of Sex Addiction? No

By

Maybe you think about sex a lot, maybe all the time. Perhaps you masturbate every day, and maybe you do it with lots of pornography. Maybe you want sex more than your partner—a lot more. Perhaps you wish your partner were more sexually adventurous. Maybe you make terrible decisions about sex. Maybe you take risks, and in the process maybe you've ... Read more

Emotional Intimacy: How Being Vulnerable Can Lead To Red-Hot Sex

By

Want better sex? Of course you do. Instead of reaching for a blindfold, a porn video or a cocktail (not that there's anything wrong with those things), how about something less tangible and more effective: enhancing the emotional intimacy in your sexual relationship? As a therapist, I think of intimacy as your willingness to be yourself — to be ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
Smooches

One-liners Guaranteed to Turn Up the Heat

Want some off the hook sex tonight? Use words as foreplay!

Make A Move

Forgiveness : The Most Important "F-Word".

Forgive so that the past no longer holds you back. It is time to move forward.

Trouble In Paradise

5 Signs Your Marriage is At Risk

Learn the warning signs for divorce so you can avoid a crisis and find ways to turn things around.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS