Sam didn’t especially like that. “She won’t like that,” was the way he put it. “How do you know?” I asked. He didn’t, of course. “Women want an erection” was the best he could do. Well, some women do, of course, but not all. “And without asking,” I gently smiled, “you can’t know how Yolanda feels about it.”
Sam really wanted an erection, but he wasn’t willing to arrange for the physical stimulation he apparently needed for it (and forget, by the way, him touching his penis in front of her. “No way,” he said firmly).
This conveniently illustrates the three rules for not getting an erection when you want one:
* Don’t get the physical stimulation you need
* Envision “sex” as something that requires an erection
* Don’t discuss this dilemma with your partner
For most men, there’s actually a fourth rule:
* Have sex with someone you don’t like, you’re not attracted to, or you’re angry with
Sam wondered if he had “erectile dysfunction,” and if a drug would help. “Getting a stomachache from eating at McDonald’s three times a day for a month isn’t a stomach dysfunction, it’s the way your system is built,” I replied. “Not getting an erection when your penis doesn’t get sufficient stimulation isn’t erectile dysfunction—it’s the way your system is built.”
Sam sighed. “I guess you’re right,” he said. “But I wish this whole sex thing were easier.” I sympathized with Sam, as I do with all people who say this. And I replied as I often do: “Sam, sex would be easier if you didn’t make it so complicated.”
Dr. Marty Klein is a marriage counselor and sex therapist with 30 years experience. His latest book is SEXUAL INTELLIGENCE: What We Really Want From Sex, and How to Get It. Dr. Klein’s blog, newsletter and more at www.MartyKlein.com.