5 Questions To Ask About Porn On Valentine’s Day

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5 Questions To Ask About Porn On Valentine’s Day
On Valentine’s Day, give the gift of communication. Why not start talking about porn?

Porn usually turns men on, not off. When men don’t desire their partners, it’s not because the women can’t compete with a picture; it’s about something deeper. Is it him, is it you, is it the format of the lovemaking? When people lack interest in an experience they assume they won’t enjoy, that doesn’t require an explanation—it’s common sense. Why someone doesn’t expect to enjoy sex with his partner—now that’s an interesting question. Couples Who Watch Porn Together Are More Committed (Really?!)

Your guy knows your body isn’t perfect—he doesn’t need a porn video to realize that. And he knows that, like every woman, you have preferences, moods, a complicated history, and the occasional inconvenient emotional need. The characters in porn films have none of those. If your guy doesn’t understand the difference between movie characters and actual people, you have a much bigger problem than porn.

 “Why are you secretive about it?”

Some of the secrecy is about masturbation. If you two aren’t open about that, it’s unlikely that you’ll talk easily about porn. Some of the secrecy may be in response to your instructions: “keep that junk out of my house,” or “if you watch that stuff, I’m outta here.” If he wants to keep you, and feels his porn is harmless, secrecy might seem like a good compromise. Dishonesty eventually costs more than we expect, but it often seems like a good idea at the time—like faking orgasms.

If his secrecy is about his shame or guilt about either masturbation or porn, you are in a unique position to comfort him, help him grow—and enhance your intimacy.

“Are you interested in how I feel about this?”

If the answer is no, feel free to ask why—not because he has to justify his lack of curiosity, but rather to satisfy yours. If he does tell you, you could learn plenty about your relationship: his fear of conflict; your difficulty in talking about your upset, your insistence that you know what’s in his head better than he does.

If the answer is yes, say “great!” and suggest a time later in the week. Why wait? After five questions, it’s time for a break. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Dr. Marty Klein is a marriage counselor and sex therapist. His new book is Sexual Intelligence—What We Really Want From Sex, and How to Get It (HarperCollins).

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Dr. Marty Klein

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Dr. Marty Klein is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.

In his award-winning books lectures, newsletter, and therapy, he helps men & women understand and accept themselves and their sexuality, reducing their feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, and isolation.

Dr. Klein's new book is Sexual Intelligence. Psychology Today says, "Read this book if you want to improve your sex life." To connect with Dr. Klein, see his provocative newsletter.

Location: Palo Alto, CA
Credentials: MFT, PhD
Specialties: Couples/Marital Issues, Infidelity / Affair Recovery, Sexuality
Other Articles/News by Dr. Marty Klein:

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