If you have limited success with open-ended questions, don’t give up. This is where you move onto closed-ended questions such as:
- “Did you notice when I did…..?” (Yes or No)
- “Did you like it when I did it?” (If your partner does not remember, you could imitate what you did previously.)
- “Was your orgasm the same, less or more intense than the last time?” (There is only one answer.)
This is where you can encourage further dialogue by reverting to a few open-ended questions:
- “That’s interesting. Could you tell me more?”
- “Really? Why (gently) do you think that is so?”
If your partner asks you why you have recently begun asking so many questions after sex, you could reply:
“I really want to learn more about you, what works and what would make it better… and I think one of the ways to do so is talking about it. I really want to know because I care about you.”
“I want us to be able to talk about sex and our sexual experiences. This is how one way we can learn more about each other. Is it okay?”
This is not an interrogation. There is no point pushing it if your partner is clearly uncomfortable talking about sex. Try again the next time, and the next. What you want to do is begin to open more dialogue about sex, and stopping that dialogue when your partner wishes to do so is a part of it.
You will notice that with each attempt to discuss your sexual experiences, it will become easier. It takes time and it is well worth it to go slow.
Dr Martha Tara Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), as well as certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality as well as certificates in practical counselling, life coaching and sex therapy. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia and beyond. For more, visit www.ErosCoaching.com.
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