Sex is not a one-way experience and sex is also not supposed to be like an elephant in the bedroom when it comes to communicating any problems that might be occurring. This week, I would like to suggest ways in which we can get feedback from our partner after a sexual experience. And when I say sexual experience, I am not limiting it to just penetrative sex.
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You can begin asking your partner what the sexual experience was like:
“Sweetheart, how was it for you?” or “How was it just now?”
If feedback is restricted to one-word answers or not forthcoming, you can elaborate by saying: “Ok… You know, I would really like to hear what you like about it and what would make it better. Could you share more with me?”
An open-ended question allows for your partner to communicate as little or as much as desired.
Breaking the questions down might be easier:
- “How was it?”
- “What was good about it?”
- “What would make it better?”
Remember if you ask, be emotionally and mentally prepared for the answer – whatever it may be. If you appear defensive or react negatively, you are effectively being counter-productive and shutting out your partner at a critical time.
All of us will do well to bear this in mind: Don’t take it personally. There is no right or wrong answer. We are different physically on a day-by day basis – depending on our fitness level, what is going on in our lives, and how it affects our mood. What doesn’t feel right or good on one day could well feel quite different on another day.
The feedback you receive is not a judgment of your character, or sexual prowess. There is always room for improvement and a large part of it comes from understanding your partner, from their likes and dislikes; turn on and offs; as well as needs, wants and desires – and it probably has very little to do with you.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Constant, open and authentic communication will bring you closer.
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All of us would have inadvertently said something to hurt someone. Hence, when you try to get sexual feedback from your partner, their own fears of hurting you will come into play. They are not just worried of potentially hurting you, but also have a disbelief that you are genuinely willing and open to hear from them. It will take a while before your partner will begin to talk more openly about their sexual experiences.
If you have limited success with open-ended questions, don’t give up. This is where you move onto closed-ended questions such as: