No prizes for guessing that ‘Green’ means ‘Yes’, ‘Go ahead’, or ‘It’s okay’. ‘Yellow’ could represent ‘Slow down’, ‘You are in a danger zone’, or ‘Back up a bit’; whilst ‘Red’ is for ‘Stop right now’, ‘Danger’, or ‘No go’.
You can use code words to indicate arousal (getting there), plateau (don’t stop), or orgasm (release). They can state your level of readiness for penetrative sex or indicate a state of distress, such as if an anxiety or panic attack is about to happen.
You will do well to overcome any resistance in coming up with code words and using them if you explain that the use of code words does not mean you are not in love or distrust your partner, but simply a better way to communicate where you are. Code words help take the display of emotion out of your words.
Open- or closed-ended questions are simple enough to use. Incorporating a scale and code words to give or receive feedback might seem silly to you, yet they do work. Your partner needs to believe that you are receptive to sexual feedback. Encouraging your partner to open up and express sexual feelings and thoughts takes time. The more you communicate, the more you learn and understand about what makes your partner tick. Consequently, this increases your chances of having many wonderful sexual experiences. Keep at it. Good luck.
Dr Martha Tara Lee is Founder and Clinical Sexologist of Eros Coaching in Singapore. She is a certified sexuality educator with AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), as well as certified sexologist with ACS (American College of Sexologists). She holds a Doctorate in Human Sexuality from Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality as well as certificates in practical counselling, life coaching and sex therapy. She is available to provide sexuality and intimacy coaching for individuals and couples, conduct sexual education workshops and speak at public events in Asia and beyond. For more, visit www.ErosCoaching.com.
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