Have you heard that sex can be a form of meditation?
Have you heard the saying that sex can be a form of meditation? Annie Sprinkle, a performance artist and sexuality educator in the United States, combined the words masturbation and meditation to coin the word "medabation."
You, too, can practice mindful sex if you so desire. You may need to begin practicing these concepts of mindfulness outside of the bedroom before being able to proceed to conscious sex.
First of all, what is meditation? Meditation happens simply when you acknowledge and observe whatever is happening — whether pleasant or unpleasant — in a relaxed manner. You probably already know that being relaxed but still noticing what is happening around you are key steps to having good sex.
These are the main components of being mindful:
1. Be in a natural state of mind.
Your mind is relaxed and at peace. You are neither focusing too hard, nor trying to control your thoughts. There is no force or restriction imposed upon yourself. You are simply allowing your mind to be in its natural state of restfulness. How natural can you be if you are anxious about performance or wrapped up in the inner dialogue in your head?
2. Be physically relaxed.
It is not just about the mind; your body should also be in a natural position and relaxed. Both the mind and the body should be comfortable. Bringing your attention gently to your breath is one way of centering yourself and allowing yourself to go into an even deeper state of relaxation.
3. Be aware.
Being aware is not trying to create anything or rejecting what is happening. It is observing what the mind and body are experiencing. What are you thinking? What are you aware of? Where is the mind's attention now? Inside or outside? It is not preventing thinking, but rather recognizing and acknowledging thinking whenever it arises. This acknowledging allows thoughts to enter and then drift away.
4. Be in the moment.
It is about paying attention to the present momen, and not getting lost in the thoughts about the past or being carried away by thoughts about the future. It's commonly called being in the moment or being in the present. Being truly in the moment — even somewhat engrossed in the now, where time seems to stand still — leads us to the next point of more easily letting go of expectations.
5. Let go of expectations.
Do you want something during sex? Do you expect something specific to happen? Do you want something to stop happening? How do you think it will all pan out? During sex, we are so hard-wired and driven to take our partners or ourselves to climax that we may be forcing a result.
The effort to make the other person experience pleasure can actually create more anxiety and difficulties. Trust that the body knows what the body wants, and allow the body and mind to go where it feels natural.
Letting go of expectations involves trying to know what is happening as it is. It is not about trying to make things turn out the way you want them to happen. There is no expectation, no want of anything, and no anxiety whatsoever. The result of wanting something to happen will only be that you tire yourself out and fail to experience what is actually happening.
You need to be watching and waiting patiently with awareness, not just trying to experience something you want, have read, or heard about. A light and free mind tends to attain better results. Do you have the right attitude to have mindful sex? You can begin by practicing sitting by yourself and practicing the above tips.
Who is Martha?
Founder of Eros Coaching, Dr. Martha Tara Lee is a Clinical Sexologist in Singapore who has a doctorate in human sexuality. She also holds certificates in counselling, coaching and sextherapy. In practice for seven years now, she is the only certified sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) in Singapore. This accolade is only for those who meet the stringent requirements determined by AASECT, which is the leading professional organization for sexuality educators, sexuality counselors and sex therapists in the United States.
Often cited in the local media, Dr. Lee is the appointed sex expert for Men’s Health Singapore, and Men’s Health Malaysia. She was recognised as one of ‘Top 50 Inspiring Women Under 40′ by Her World in July 2010, and one of ‘Top 100 Inspiring Women’ by CozyCot in March 2011. She has published two books: Love, Sex and Everything In-Between, and Orgasmic Yoga.
Martha works with individuals and couples in private coaching sessions, and conducts her own workshops. She takes prides in making sure all her workshops are also fun, educational, and sex-positive. This comes easily to her because even though she is extremely dedicated and serious about her work, she fundamentally believes that sex is meant to be fun, wonderful, amazing and sacred. As such, this serious light-heartedness has shone through again and again. You can read the testimonials she’s received over her seven years of practice here. For her full profile, click here.
This article was originally published at Eros Coaching. Reprinted with permission from the author.