Problems with communication will always occur when the intent is to control. So when clients of mine say, "We can't communicate," I know that one or both of them are coming from the intent to control in their communications. They are intent on trying to get the other person to change.
The intent to control often creates power struggles in relationships. While most people certainly want to be in control, they do not want to be controlled. So when one person is coming from the intent to control, the other person may respond with resistance. Power struggles result when one person behaves in a controlling way and the other person resists being controlled.
More from YourTango: The Goals of Controlling Behavior In Relationships
When one person is intent on controlling, and the other gives in to keep the peace, it may seem like the relationship is working. However, the compliant person is often covertly angry and may resist in another area, such as sexually. When you give yourself up to avoid conflict, you generally resent the person you give yourself up to, which doesn't create the emotional intimacy necessary to feel sexually intimate.
Next time you want to communicate with your partner, ask yourself, "Why do I want to communicate?" If you discover that you are wanting to get the other person to change, consider doing an Inner Bonding process instead - deciding how to take care of yourself instead of trying to get your partner to change. You might discover that you get a far better result!
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free!
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