50 Things You Should Try For Hotter Sex
ProConnect

Why Do You Want to Communicate With Your Partner? {EXPERT]

By

Why Do You Want to Communicate With Your Partner? {EXPERT]
Many couples claim that their problems stem from a lack of communication. What does this mean?

When partners are having problems, they often say that the problem is communication. What exactly does this mean? What are they trying to communicate?

There are various reasons for communicating:

More from YourTango: "I Keep Choosing The Wrong Partner"

  • Sometimes we communicate to offer information about ourselves, such as, "I'm going out for a walk," or "The dinner reservations are for 7:00."
     
  • Sometimes we communicate to ask for help with tasks, such as, "I need to move the couch to clean under it and I can't lift it. Would you help me?"
     
  • Sometimes we communicate to learn something about the other person, such as "Please help me to understand why you are feeling upset with me. I care about you and I really want to understand."
     
  • Sometimes we communicate to ask for help regarding ourselves, such as, "I'm feeling very anxious and I don't know why. Would you talk with me for a while? Maybe if I talk about it I will understand it."

For the most part, these forms of communication do not cause problems, unless there is an ulterior motive. An ulterior motive occurs when the intention of the communication is to have some control over the other person. When the intent of the above communications is to offer information, ask for help, or to learn, then there will likely not be problems. But these same communications can be spoken with the intent to control. The intent to control will be communicated through a harsh or judgmental tone of voice and through a hard, closed energy.

For example, "I'm going for a walk!" said with anger, has behind it an intent to control the other person through punishment. The real communication is "You have behaved in a way that is unacceptable to me so I am punishing you by withdrawing from you." "The dinner reservations are for 7:00," can be said in a tone that says, "...and you better be there."

Asking for help in moving the couch can be either a request or a demand, depending upon the intent. A request can be answered, "Sorry, I'm really busy right now. I will help you later," without repercussions. When the same thing is said as a demand, the other person is not allowed to say no without negative consequences.

More from YourTango: "I Lose Myself Around Others"

You can ask someone why he or she is upset with you from a true desire to learn, or from the intent to control. When your intent is to control, you will likely argue with whatever the person says, trying to talk him or her out of the upset.

When you are upset, you can ask for help because you really do want to learn and take responsibility for your feelings, or because you want the other person to fix you, to take care of you, to rescue you. People often want to communicate their feelings to get the other person to change, rather than to learn and take responsibility for their feelings.

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

"I Keep Choosing The Wrong Partner"

By

Do you find yourself choosing a similar wrong partner over and over? This is what Laura asks about: "How can I get past the point of choosing destructive and abusive relationships over and over just because I grew up in an abusive and dysfunctional family? Is it better to just remain single and grow with God and be a good mom and not gravitate toward ... Read more

"I Lose Myself Around Others"

By

Do you find that you take loving care of yourself when you are alone, but that you lose yourself with someone you are attracted to, or around someone you want to connect with? This is a common issue. Val asks: "I am perfectly able to care, love and connect to myself when I am alone. It's in the face of attraction to someone that I get lost ... Read more

How Far Am I In The Narcissism World?

By

All of us have some characteristics and behaviors that fall into the category of narcissism. Narcissism is on a continuum from mild, occasional, and subtle to the more ubiquitous, obvious or extreme behaviors of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Since narcissism is likely a part of everyone's ego wounded self, it is helpful to your personal growth and ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
Staying Dry

Letting Go Is Hard To Do

Healing your heart after divorce or loss of a spouse is worth the effort. Letting go is hard to do.

cozy up

Showing Love Through Touch

Touch is so incredibly important in relationships.

happiest

Listen Up, Darling: A Sex Kitten Is Never Hangry or Tired

Recently I shared eight surprising traits of a sex kitten. Each of those traits are ones that ...

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS