- You say to yourself, "My partner is busy right now with something important to him/her, so I will take this opportunity to relax and decompress so we can have a nice time later sharing the events of our day."
If this is what you say to yourself, then you would not end up feeling hurt and angry, and you would not blame and punish your partner.
Let's take another situation. You have picked up something at the hardware store for the house and your partner blames you for getting the wrong thing, saying, "This is not what I told you to get. Can't you ever do anything right?"
More from YourTango: Relationships: When to Talk, When to Act
In this case, your partner has judged you as being inadequate or stupid. You feel hurt at being treated badly and you lash out in blame, "I just got what you told me to get. You are a bad communicator. There's never any pleasing you."
Doesn't it seem logical that your anger and hurt are coming from your partner's judgment of you?
If you said to yourself, "I'm inadequate, I'm stupid," then you will feel hurt and angry. However, if you said to yourself, "It looks like my partner had a bad day," and didn't take your partner's blame personally, you might feel compassion instead of hurt and anger. You might respond with, "Honey, have you had a difficult day?"
Blaming another is always a way to avoid responsibility for what you are telling yourself and how you are treating yourself that may be causing your feelings.
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free! Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.
More from YourTango: Stop Escalating Conflict!