What Is Loving To You, Is Loving To Others

By

What Is Loving To You, Is Loving To Others
It is selfish to do what brings you joy if it takes time or money away from loved ones?

One of the questions I often hear from my clients is, "If I take care of myself and do what brings me joy, aren't I being selfish?"

Let's take a close look at this false belief.

 

Allison is a very bright and vital woman. She grew up in a family that valued women who stayed at home raising their children. Not wanting to be judged or rejected by her family, Allison followed in her mother's footsteps, giving up her budding career in TV advertising to get married and have children. Allison became a "good" mother — driving her kids everywhere, going to PTA meetings, showing up at all her kid's events, and doing volunteer work. There was nothing inherently wrong with any of this, except that Allison felt trapped, unhappy and angry much of the time. Allison really wanted to be expressing herself in the world in some way, but believed that it was her obligation to stay at home with her children.

The problem is that an unhappy, angry, irritated mother is not a good mother. And Allison is going to continue to feel irritated and angry as long as she is not doing what really brings her joy.

"But if I go back to school, which is what I really want to do, aren't I being selfish? Since I chose to get married and have children, don't I owe it to them to be here for them as much as I can?"

"No, not if it means giving yourself up and being miserable. Not if it means giving to them out of obligation. They will not benefit from this. They want you to be happy, and they need you to be a role model for taking personal responsibility for your own happiness.

You will find that if you do what is really loving to you, they will benefit as well. They might not like it in the short run, because they are used to you being there all the time, but in the long run, they will turn out to be happier and healthier adults."

Chad is a medical doctor who works long hours to support his family. He is not happy working so hard. He comes home exhausted, and then takes care of various household chores so his sons can have the time to play sports and do their homework. He has no time for himself. He is often short-tempered with his wife and children. He wants time to ride his bike and to pursue his love of writing.

"But if I work less and we have less money, aren't I being selfish? Don't I owe it to my family to keep up their standard of living? Aren't I being selfish if I expect my kids to do the chores in addition to doing their sports and their homework?"

"No, you owe it to yourself and your family to be a happy, peaceful and fulfilled person. The very best thing you can give to your family is your happy and joyful presence."
We are being self-responsible rather than selfish when we take loving care of ourselves.

We are being selfish when:

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

What to do When He Expects You to be His Therapist

By

One of the important things I learned in my own marriage and in my work with clients is that a committed relationship is NOT supposed to be a therapeutic relationship. We can help each other to learn, grow and heal, but this is very different than a therapeutic relationship. In a marriage, or close committed relationship or friendship, we can help each other, ... Read more

Control and Resistance Can Ruin Your Sex Life

By

"I just want to feel loved," complained Angie. "Is that too much to ask? I want to be able to count on Richard in bed. I'm tired of feeling like I don't count!" Angie and her husband, Richard, were caught in a power struggle that was having a very negative affect on their sex life. Most of the time, as soon as they started to ... Read more

Dealing With Trust Issues? Why You Need To Trust YOURSELF First

By

"I have a hard time trusting people." "I never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife)." It is very common for me in my work as a counselor to hear the above statements. Trust issues abound in relationships. However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to be trustworthy. It's about you become a ... Read more

See More

 
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular