Expert Blog Compelling advice, stories, and thought-provoking perspectives straight from YourTango's lineup of Experts to you

What's REALLY Behind The Need To Blame


Why do we blame ourselves and others? What is the payoff?

Blaming Ourselves

I had a session with Frank who was very upset with himself for playing tennis so badly in his recent match. In fact, he was furious with himself. "I'm a much better player that that! How could I have played so badly? I'm just an adequate jerk!"

He was screaming at himself in the car and feeling worse by the minute. As we explored his anger and self-blame Frank told me that his father, a very controlling man, was constantly angry with him for his mistakes.

I asked, "How did his anger affect you regarding making mistakes?" 

"It made me nervous and I probably made more mistakes."

"Frank, be open to learning with the angry, blaming and wounded part of you and ask why he persists in getting angry and blaming toward your inner child."

"This part of me believes that if I get upset enough, I won't keep doing things wrong."

"So this wounded part of you, the part that is very much like your father, believes you can have control over getting yourself to do it right. Has this worked?"

"No, not at all — just like with my father. And I know that, so why do I keep doing it?"

"What about it do you like?"

"Well, I really like the feeling I get when I'm angry and blaming. In that moment, I feel powerful."

"So, it sounds like you're addicted to the momentary feeling of power you get when you're angry. What do you think you would feel if you didn't get angry?"

"I guess I would feel helpless, and I hate feeling helpless."

"So the payoff is that, even though you know it doesn't work to control yourself from making mistakes, it'll take away the feeling of helplessness and this seems to make it worth it to you. You can't control the mistakes, but you can control the feeling of helplessness. So on that level, the control is working for you, is that right?"

"That's right! I am addicted to the feeling of power. I like that feeling."

"And, it gets you out of having to take responsibility for managing your feelings as a loving adult. You'd rather feel the momentary sense of power and then the guilt at doing something wrong, than deal with the feeling of helplessness. So, until you are willing to feel the authentic feeling of helplessness and do the work of Inner Bonding to learn to show up as a loving adult for this difficult feeling, you will keep getting angry at yourself. If you want to stop the self-blame, you would need to develop your loving adult through the practice of Inner Bonding."

Blaming Others

Kim was struggling with her frequent anger and irritation at others. She didn't like the fact that she often got angry and blaming, but she couldn't seem to stop.

"Kim, what triggers your anger? What happens between you and another person that triggers your anger?"

Kim answered,"Well, I'm not sure. It seems to happen when someone criticizes me, but it also happens when someone withdraws from me. Sometimes it happens when someone tells me what to do."

"So what do you think you're feeling under the anger when someone criticizes you or withdraws from you?"

"I feel rejected."

"When someone is judgmental toward you or disconnects from you, do you think you might also feel lonely?"

"Lonely — yeah, that's the feeling. I feel so lonely when someone doesn't accept me or shuts me out. I think I also feel lonely when someone tells me what to do, because they're not seeing me or caring about what I want. They just want me to do what they want, and I hate being controlled. My mother was so controlling, just wanting what she wanted and not seeing me at all or caring about what I wanted."

"Loneliness is a very hard feeling to feel. So is helplessness over others' behavior. These feelings tap into the loneliness and helplessness of being an infant and knowing you'll die if no one comes when you cry. Do you think it's possible that your anger and blame is covering over these difficult feelings of loneliness and helplessness?"

"Yes, I think so. I think I want to get others to stop doing what they are doing so I don't have to feel lonely and helpless."

"Right. And aren't you trying to control them with your anger and blame, just as they are trying to control you with their criticism, withdrawal, and telling you what to do?"

"Yes, but if I didn't try to control them, what would I do?"

"Learn how to take full responsibility for your own feelings of loneliness and helplessness. This is part of what Inner Bonding is all about — learning how to show up as a loving adult for these painful feelings, rather than act from your wounded self to protect yourself against them. When you can fully manage these difficult feelings through acknowledging them, embracing them with compassion, nurturing them with your higher self and then releasing them to Spirit or through other release techniques, you'll find yourself no longer getting angry and blaming."

"How long will this take?"

"As long as it takes. Do you have something better to do that learn how to show up as a loving adult?"

Kim laughed and said, "No. I guess it's time to start."

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

This article was originally published at Reprinted with permission from the author.


Explore YourTango