Stop Fighting! 4 Steps To Lovingly Disengaging

By

Stop Fighting! 4 Steps To Lovingly Disengaging
Do you want to keep fighting & perhaps destroying your relationship? There is another way.

What does it mean to lovingly disengage from conflict? How do you keep your heart open and lovingly disengage when someone close to you is saying things about you that aren't true, or saying things about others that aren't true, or saying things about themselves or about life that aren't true? How do you lovingly disengage when someone close to you is blaming you, complaining, withdrawing from you, resisting you or attacking you? How do you lovingly disengage when someone close to you is behaving in a way that feels threatening to you — physically, emotionally, financially, or spiritually?

There are two choices you need to make for you to be able to lovingly disengage.

  • You need to 100% accept that you have no control over the other person — that you are not the cause of the other person's thoughts, feelings or behavior, and that there is nothing you can do about it.

For most people, this is extremely challenging to accept. Most people, when being treated badly by another person, say, "What did I do wrong?" This question comes from the belief that you cause others' behavior — and if you are the cause of it, then you are in control of it. When you fully accept that each of us feels and behaves the way we do entirely according to our own thoughts and beliefs, then you will not be asking "What did I do wrong?"

People who tend to be caretakers believe that if only they are loving enough, giving enough, kind enough, caring enough, open enough, and put themselves aside enough, they can have control over getting another person to change - a totally false belief.

As long as you believe that there is some way you can have control over another person's intent, you will likely stay engaged in situations that are not at all in your highest good.

  • You need to be 100% willing to feel the painful feelings of loneliness, heartache, heartbreak and helplessness over others that occur when someone you care about disconnects from you. If you are not willing to learn to acknowledge, feel, lovingly nurture, and then release these painful feelings to Spirit, you will protect against them by engaging with the person who is disconnecting from you and who is not open to learning with you.

Once you 100% accept your lack of control and 100% accept the responsibility for nurturing your core painful feelings, then you can practice the art of disengaging.

The art of disengaging looks like this:

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

If You're Always Getting Overlooked, You May Be To Blame

By

It feels terrible to be constantly overlooked. This is the situation that Melanie is struggling with: "Even when I think I am fitting in to a group and talking to everybody okay, I always seem to be overlooked when it comes to invitations etc. and then I feel completely invisible, as if they either don't remember that I exist or they are ... Read more

Do You Remember What You Say When You Are Enraged?

By

"Rage can…shut off the hippocampus [linked to memory], and people with out-of-control anger may not be lying when they say they don't recall what they said or did in that altered state of mind." Mindsight, P.155 Daniel Siegel, M.D. Have you had the experience of someone being enraged at you, and then when you try to talk about it after ... Read more

You Have To Love Yourself Before You Can Love Another

By

Antonio consulted with me because of problems he was having in his marriage. He was very distressed that his wife, Cynthia, never wanted to have sex with him. In the course of our work, it became apparent that Antonio was very judgmental of himself. Throughout a day he was constantly telling himself how inadequate he was. "You certainly messed that ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular