Speaking Your Truth Without Blame or Judgment

By

Speaking Your Truth Without Blame or Judgment
Do you wait too long to speak up for yourself? Then when you finally do, you are irritated or angry?

How often have you become irritated or angry, given yourself up, started to argue or debate, teach or explain, or withdrew when someone was treating you badly — ordering you around, judging you, blaming you, or dumping their complaints or negativity on you? How often have you behaved in any of these protective, controlling ways when someone is unknowingly interrupting you when you are trying to focus on something or get something done? How do you end up feeling when you behave in any of these ways?

The chances are you end up feeling angry, hurt, anxious, depressed or numbed out. It is easy to believe that these feelings are coming from the other person's behavior toward you, but this is not the case. Your unhappy feelings are coming from not taking loving care of yourself.

 

For example, Madison consulted with me because she was feeling depressed. She and Andrew had been married for 12 years. She loved Andrew and felt that they had a deep soul connection. Yet she was often unhappy around him.

"Andrew can be very critical. As soon as something doesn't go his way, he tends to take it out on me, finding some way to blame me for the situation. If I interrupt him at something, he gets extremely annoyed, but if I just get a little annoyed when he interrupts me, like he does lots of times when we are together in the evening and I'm writing in my journal, he gets really angry."

"How do you generally handle these situations?" I asked her.

"I've tried different things. Sometimes I try to get him to see what he is doing.

Sometimes I just get quiet, and sometime I try to pacify him."

"How do you feel when you do these things?"

"Lousy. If I say anything it often leads to an argument, and if I don't I end up feeling badly. It seems like a no-win to me."

"Madison, when Andrew is critical or interrupts you when you are writing in your journal, how long does it take you before you realize that it is bothering you?"

"I realize it right away, but most of the time I don't do anything about it. I guess I hope that he will just stop if I don't respond. But he doesn’t seem to get the hint — he just goes right on being critical or talking at me."

"So by the time you say anything, you are irritated, is that right?"

"Yes."

"And then he reacts to your irritation?"

"Yes, and gets mad."

"What do you think would happen if you attended to your feelings and immediately said something, before you were irritated?"

"I think that would be much better. The few times I've done that, Andrew reacts well. When I'm able to say something like, "Honey, can you hold on a sec? I'm in the middle of something," he is fine."

"What do you think stops you from speaking your truth right away, so that you can say it without blame or judgment?"

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Scream If You're OVER Being Your Partner's Therapist

By

One of the important things I learned in my own marriage and in my work with clients is that a committed relationship is NOT supposed to be a therapeutic relationship. We can help each other to learn, grow and heal, but this is very different than a therapeutic relationship. In a marriage, or close committed relationship or friendship, we can help each ... Read more

The Essential Guide To Romance vs Friendship

By

James, in his mid-30s, was ready to meet his life partner, get married and have children. After dating many women, he met Cindy. "She is really beautiful, although I'm not sure she's my type. But I think she is perfect for me. We have the same interests, the same values, we go to the same church and we both want children. My friends who meet ... Read more

Do You React Well To Irrational Behavior?

By

Ted's mother was often emotionally irrational. She would demand irrational things from him, such as telling him that it was his job to make her happy. She would cry and yell when he did anything for himself, claiming that he was selfish and making her miserable. Often, she would scream at him out of the blue, for seemingly no reason at all. Sometimes she ... Read more

See More

 
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular