One of the questions that I have been asked over and over is, "How do I take care of myself when someone is blaming me, or angry at me, or dumping on me? What can I do when people's energy is negative? Do I need to say something to them, stand up for myself, let them know they can't treat me this way?"
I have discovered a very magical way of taking care of yourself in the face of others' negativity. But in order to use this simple method, you have to have reached the point in your life where you 100% accept your lack of control over others' feelings and behavior. As long as you want to say something to try to get another person to stop what they are doing, you are not ready for this method.
The very best way of handling others' negativity is to disengage from it. But most people become reactive. They either react with their own negativity, or they remain quiet or walk away. But even if they stay quiet or walk away, they may inwardly react, ruminating about what the other person did.
"I just hate it when she dumps on me like that. Why does she have to be such a complainer?"
"He has no right to yell at me like that. Who does he think he is anyway?"
"I wish I would have spoken up for myself when he criticized me. I wish I wasn't such a wimp."
"I'm am going to let her know how much she hurt my feelings."
These kinds of ruminations keep you stuck in the negativity of the interaction, even if you never say anything. These reactive thoughts pull you down, making you feel like a victim.
How can you disengage without withdrawing in anger or hurt? How can you take loving care of yourself rather than try to control the other person? How can you not escalate the interaction with your own negative reactivity — your anger, blame, criticism, defensiveness, explanations, lectures, compliance, resistance, arguing, convincing, fighting, debating?
You sing the song that saves you!
The "song" is any happy song, and you sing in silently in your mind or very quietly out loud. Singing it quietly out loud actually has a very positive effect on the brain.
My song is "Mares Eat Oats." Others sing "Zippity Do Dah," "Koombyah," "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," "Row Row Row Your Boat," or "You Are My Sunshine," while others sing songs from "Mary Poppins" or "A Sound of Music." It doesn’t matter what song it is as long as it is a happy song. You have to really be able to get into the song completely, so that you are not being reactive or in any way engaging in the negative energy of the other person. When you are busy singing the song, you cannot also be ruminating or reacting.
I have found that this method works extremely well to keep you completely energetically disengaged in any negative situation with another person, including children. One of the things that makes it so magical is that when you successfully completely disengage from the negative interaction with no inner or outer reactivity, the other person's behavior tends to change. When their anger, whining, blame, or complaints elicit NO response, not even an energetic response, then there is no longer any point in their behavior.
It is so interesting that when you COMPLETELY let go of control and just take care of yourself with your happy song, not only do you end up feeling great, but the energy between you and the other person returns to good feelings very quickly.
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free!
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This article was originally published at Inner Bonding
. Reprinted with permission from the author.