Brad was just completing his divorce after having been married for over 25 years. He had not dated in what seemed like forever to him, and had no idea how to start. "How do you start a new relationship?" he asked me in our counseling session.
"What are you most concerned about?" I asked.
"Sex," he answered.
"What about sex?" I asked.
Pause...."Well...performance. What if I can't perform? What if I'm too nervous to perform?"
"Okay. Let's start with sex."
In the many years that I've been counseling, I've discovered that the one mistake people make in starting a new relationship is to have sex too soon. There are many reasons why people have sex too soon: they think it will create deeper intimacy, they are just in it for the conquest, they are afraid of rejection if they say no, they get physically carried away, they like sex. Let's take the example of Yvonne.
Yvonne is a lovely young woman in her middle thirties who wants to get married and have children. She has no trouble meeting men, but the relationships don't last. In fact, they rarely even get started.
The problem is that Yvonne often believes what men say to her early on in the relationship. The last man she dated a couple of months ago, came on very strong. He told her on the first date how wonderful she was, how he had rarely met anyone like her. When he came on sexually, she resisted, although she was turned on and attracted to him. He suavely said to her "I bet you're worried that if we have sex I won't call you again." "Right," she said. "That's exactly what I'm worried about." Well, he answered, "I'm not that kind of man. Can't you tell that we're really connected to each other? I haven't had such a good time in years! Of course I want to see you again!" Yvonne agreed that they were having a wonderful time. She put aside her inner warning signals and had sex with him. Sure enough, he never called her again.
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