Stop Blaming Him For Your Marriage Problems — Fix Yourself!

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marriage problems

It WON'T fix your marriage problems.

I often work with clients on the verge of divorce. I always encourage them (especially when they have children) to do all they can to save their marriage.

Leah is a good example of a woman who, on the verge of divorce with four young children, decided to begin a process that I call "inner bonding" to save her marriage — and she succeeded beyond what she thought was possible.

Leah first consulted with me because she was completely turned off to her husband, Ronald.

Many of their battles had to do with Ronald getting angry at their lack of a sex life. Leah had given in for years, but was no longer willing to have sex without being emotionally connected to Ronald. As I listened to Leah talking about her marriage problems with her husband, I could feel inside that Ronald was a good person, as was Leah.

They were off track because each of them was making the other responsible for their feelings.

Leah blamed Ronald for her unhappiness, claiming that his anger and neediness was the cause of their problems. According to Leah, Ronald blamed Leah for his unhappiness, claiming that her coldness, anger and sexual withdrawal were the cause of their problems.

It was apparent that both Leah and Ronald had their eyes on the other without understanding that each of them was abandoning themselves to the other.

As I worked with Leah with "inner bonding," she began to learn how to tune into her feelings and take responsibility for them. She learned how to recognize when she was abandoning herself through her self-judgments, through ignoring her feelings with her food and nicotine addictions, and through making Ronald responsible for her feelings with her anger, blame and withdrawal.

Within a few months of starting to work on herself and practice the "6 Steps of Inner Bonding," Leah began to feel much happier.

Because she was taking loving care of herself, she was able to speak her truth to Ronald with kindness rather than anger.

She was able to tell him that when he was taking care of himself and in his power, she found him very attractive, but when he abandoned himself and was needy, she was very turned off to him. Ronald, seeing the change in Leah, began to work with me to learn the "inner bonding" process. It didn't take him long to learn to take responsibility for his own feelings.

As a result of their work, they learned how to stop abandoning themselves and blaming each other, and, instead, take loving care of their own feelings. Leah and Ronald saved their marriage. They are now having fun together, enjoying their children together, learning together and supporting each other. Leah often finds herself turned on to Ronald.

Most of the couples that I work with do save their marriage, when that is what they truly want to do.

If you are having problems in your marriage, I encourage you to devote yourself to learning how to take responsibility for your own pain and your own joy through the practice of "inner bonding."

If you leave your relationship without learning this, you just take your controlling, compliant, needy, angry or blaming behavior with you. You take your aloneness and emptiness with you. You take your substance and process addictions with you, and you create a similar relationship next time.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by learning how to take full, 100 percent responsibility for your own feelings (and you help your children do the same). You will also give them a chance at growing up in an intact and loving family.

To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse. Connect with Margaret on Facebook.

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission from the author.


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