Do you believe that safety comes from having control over getting another's love?
I was having a phone session with Randy.
"When I am around most people, I am generally fairly relaxed. But the moment I'm around my mother or Gineen (his wife of 12 years), I get anxious and often angry. I can't figure this out. I love both of them, so why do I feel anxious and angry around them?"
"Randy, there must be a good reason that you are abandoning yourself around your mother and your wife."
"Oh…what just popped into my mind is 'safety.'
"What are you telling yourself about feeling safe?"
"That the only way I can feel safe around people I love is to have control over their feelings about me. I think I always want their approval."
"So you are telling yourself that having control over getting their approval is the way to feel safe. But this seems to make you feel anxious and angry instead of safe, is that right?"
"Yes! But why do I feel anxious and angry?"
"When you make your mother and your wife responsible for your safety, you are rejecting and abandoning yourself. Self-abandonment makes you feel alone and anxious. Then, once you make others responsible for you feeling safe, you need to have control over them. Anger seems to be the addictive way you try to control. But since you can't control others' feelings, you end up feeling even more anxious, which may create more anger."
"Yes, that's exactly what's happening. But I don't know how to feel safe around the people who are so important to me."
When Randy was open to learning, he had a deep and powerful connection with his personal source of spiritual Guidance.
"Randy, please take a moment to move into your heart and open to learning with your Guidance. Then ask your Guidance what you can do that would make you feel safe."
After a few moments, Randy said, "God is telling me that the only thing that will make me feel safe is for me to love and approve of myself."
"So your ego wounded self tells you that your safety lies in having control over others, but God is telling you that your safety lies in loving yourself rather than abandoning yourself."
"Yes, I can see that around most other people, I stay connected with myself and I feel safe, but around my mother and my wife, I disconnect from myself so I feel unsafe. I get angry at them because I always want to get my way with them, which I think will make me feel safe. I get so focused on things that are not really important just to have things my way and feel in control of them. I spend so much energy being angry at them so that I can have things my way, and then I end up feeling awful."
"Right! Obviously, your ego wounded self doesn’t know what he is talking about! His idea of what creates safety only ends up making you feel unsafe!"
"Yes! Gineen and I had an argument just before our phone call that was over something relatively unimportant, and I started the call feeling awful. I can see that I was trying to control her rather than be loving to myself and that made me feel very anxious and unsettled inside. After our call, I'm going to apologize to her for getting angry at her. I'm sure it makes her feel awful too. I wasn't caring about her at all. I just wanted to have my way and be right. I can see that if I had just taken care of myself instead of getting upset with her. I would have felt fine!"
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free! ! Discover SelfQuest®, a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program. Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.