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Safety: Controlling Others or Loving Yourself?

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Safety: Controlling Others or Loving Yourself?
Do you believe that safety comes from having control over getting another's love?

I was having a phone session with Randy.

"When I am around most people, I am generally fairly relaxed. But the moment I'm around my mother or Gineen (his wife of 12 years), I get anxious and often angry. I can't figure this out. I love both of them, so why do I feel anxious and angry around them?"

More from YourTango: How Far Am I In The Narcissism World?

"Randy, there must be a good reason that you are abandoning yourself around your mother and your wife."

"Oh…what just popped into my mind is 'safety.'

"What are you telling yourself about feeling safe?"

"That the only way I can feel safe around people I love is to have control over their feelings about me. I think I always want their approval."

"So you are telling yourself that having control over getting their approval is the way to feel safe. But this seems to make you feel anxious and angry instead of safe, is that right?"

"Yes! But why do I feel anxious and angry?"

"When you make your mother and your wife responsible for your safety, you are rejecting and abandoning yourself. Self-abandonment makes you feel alone and anxious. Then, once you make others responsible for you feeling safe, you need to have control over them. Anger seems to be the addictive way you try to control. But since you can't control others' feelings, you end up feeling even more anxious, which may create more anger."

"Yes, that's exactly what's happening. But I don't know how to feel safe around the people who are so important to me."

When Randy was open to learning, he had a deep and powerful connection with his personal source of spiritual Guidance.

"Randy, please take a moment to move into your heart and open to learning with your Guidance. Then ask your Guidance what you can do that would make you feel safe."

More from YourTango: Using Your Inner Strengths To Become More Intimate

After a few moments, Randy said, "God is telling me that the only thing that will make me feel safe is for me to love and approve of myself."

"So your ego wounded self tells you that your safety lies in having control over others, but God is telling you that your safety lies in loving yourself rather than abandoning yourself."

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Dr. Margaret Paul

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Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

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