Resolving a Lack of Closure in a Relationship

By

Resolving a Lack of Closure in a Relationship
Do you feel stuck due to a lack of closure regarding a relationship? Discover how to change this.

I often work with clients whose partner left suddenly, and the lack of closure can be challenging.

Sandra asks:

 

"I've read that anything that pushes an emotional button in you is a signal that you are operating from a limited perspective. My partner left six months ago for someone else. It still hurts when I think about her and imagine what it would be like to see her again. I feel that if things had been left with love, respect and an honoring of the love and time we shared I would feel differently about this, more at peace. I want to be able to remember her with gratitude for the entire experience. How can I do that when I feel that there is unresolved energy, a lack of 'needed' closure? I'm searching for a broader perspective and what this is telling me about myself. Thanks so much!"

Sandra, one thing that is important here is to let go of believing that your partner is responsible for your lack of peace. While it certainly would have been easier had she left with love and respect for what you shared in your relationship, the fact that this didn't happen is not the cause of your lack of peace.

I hear you making her responsible for your feelings. You say that you want to be able to remember her with gratitude, but you believe you can't when there is unresolved energy.
Sandra, whether or not you choose to remember her with gratitude is entirely up to you. Your lack of peace is because you are focusing on her and what she didn't do, rather than on you and what you might be telling yourself that is causing your lack of peace. You are telling yourself that you can't have peace and gratitude without closure, and this isn't true. Part of your lack of peace is because you are focusing on what you can't control — the lack of closure — rather than on what you can control — which is your own thoughts about the situation. As long as you tell yourself you can't have peace and gratitude until she offers closure, you will feel like a victim of her choices.

At any moment, you can choose to look on the whole experience with gratitude. At any moment, you can accept your lack of control over how it ended, which will give you peace. We generally feel a lack of peace when we try to control that which we can't control, or when we focus on wishing something was different than it is.

Right now, you can find your peace by fully accepting your helplessness over your ex-partner's choice to leave without closure.

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Trusting Others Starts With Trusting Yourself

By

"I have a hard time trusting people." "I never feel like I can trust my husband (or wife)." It is very common for me in my work as a counselor to hear the above statements. Trust issues abound in relationships. However, resolving trust issues is not about getting another person to be trustworthy. It's about you become a ... Read more

How To Become Free

By

I used to think that to become free you had to practice like a samurai warrior, but now I understand that you have to practice like a devoted mother of a newborn child. It takes the same energy but has a completely different quality. It's compassion and presence rather than having to defeat the enemy in battle. ~Jack Kornfield, "The ... Read more

Is He Pushing Your Buttons? 5 Ways To Walk Away Without A Fight

By

We all have many addictive ways of avoiding feeling our painful feelings and taking responsibility for them, especially in a long-term relationship or marriage. Some ways are obvious, such as substance abuse, but some ways can be very subtle, such as picking a fight with your partner under the guise of effective communication. Take a look. Do you see your ... Read more

See More

 
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular