Have you ever had the experience of sharing your kindness with someone - just for the joy of it with no intent to control - and the other person didn't receive it as kindness? Just because we offer love or kindness doesn't mean that the other person will receive it. We do not control another's intent, so just because we are open-hearted, doesn't mean that the other person will be open-hearted.
When someone doesn’t receive your positive energy with his or her own positive energy, this may be a wonderful opportunity for learning. If you do not take the other person's resistance personally, then you can stay open and ask the other person about their reaction in a kind way.
One of my readers asked me to write an article on this subject, stating that:
"…you say something positive to someone about them and you feel and know that your intent is to be giving and not to control and they have trouble accepting that, maybe because of their past experiences with other people."
When I've had this happen, I remained open and asked the other person about their reaction in a kind way and it became a learning moment for both of us.
Learning moments are wonderful! For an interaction to be a learning moment, both people need to be open to learning. However, even if you stay open to learning when someone doesn't receive your kindness, the other person may not open to learning with you. As much as we all want to believe that if we are loving and kind, others will be loving and kind, this is not the case. Our intent does not determine another's intent. While we might influence a closed person to be open with our own kindness, that person might still choose to remain closed. When this is the case, we cannot learn with each other.
If you have difficulty receiving others' love and kindness, there must be a very good reason for it. What has happened in your past that led to a lack of trust of others' kindness? Did your parents give with strings attached?
In my background, my mother gave with big strings attached, while my father gave freely. I become like my father, loving to give, but not trusting that others were giving from the heart. Before Inner Bonding, I assumed that most other people were like my mother and would attempt to extract something from me as a result of their giving. Not having developed a loving adult self to take care of me when others wanted something from me, and not wanting to be indebted to them, I had trouble receiving their love or kindness.
As I developed my loving adult, I developed my ability to discern the difference in energy between someone giving from the heart and someone giving to get. I also developed the ability to say no to someone's expectations of reciprocity. I now receive others' love and kindness graciously and give when it brings me joy to do so. I no longer feel that I "owe" anything when I receive others' kindness. I know that if they are giving from the heart, they are receiving in the giving, and if they aren't, they will feel upset - but that it is their issue, not mine!
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her new 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."
To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free! ! Discover SelfQuest®, a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program. Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.
Connect with Margaret on Facebook: Inner Bonding, and Facebook: SelfQuest.
This article was originally published at Inner Bonding
. Reprinted with permission from the author.