Relationships: What To Say & When To Say It

By

Relationships: What To Say & When To Say It
Do you often get stuck not knowing what to say when someone is blaming you or guilting you?

Most people are not conscious of when they are operating from their ego wounded self – the part of them that wants to control. They generally don't know they are being needy, demanding, blaming, attacking, guilting, and so on. And, they often don't remember what they said and did while operating from their wounded self.

Therefore, trying to talk about a difficult or painful situation after the fact generally doesn't get anywhere, or leads to even more conflict.

 

The challenge is to respond in the moment. Yet we often don't know what to say in the moment because we have rarely seen people lovingly speak up for themselves. We have a sad dearth of role models for loving self-care.

For example, let's say your mother is making a statement that feels to you like a guilt-inducing statement. What are some of the things you can say to take loving care of yourself?

"Mom, are you trying to make me feel guilty?"
"Mom, it sounds like you want me to feel guilty. Is that your intent?"

If she says, "No," then you can say, "Good! I'm glad to hear that. It sure sounded that way to me, and it makes me sad to think that you would want me to feel guilty."

How would you feel if you spoke up for yourself like that?

You can use the same kind of statements for many different situations:

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Relationships: The Power of Goodwill

By

Research into good marriages indicates that the most important choice healthy couples make is to have goodwill toward each other. This may seems like a simple requirement, yet many couples have anything but goodwill toward each other. Instead, they make it far more important to: • Attempt to control each other with criticism, judgments, blame, anger, ... Read more

“I Feel Overwhelmed”

By

I often hear from my clients that they feel overwhelmed. Generally, feeling overwhelmed means one of three things: • Overwhelmed by their feelings • Overwhelmed by time pressures • Overwhelmed by how to do things ‘right’ The feeling of overwhelm is generally caused by how we are treating ourselves and what we are telling ... Read more

How To Love Instead Of Reacting To Triggers In Relationships

By

All of us have "triggers" that set off our fear or anxiety and may lead to our reactivity—anger, defensiveness, withdrawal, compliance or resistance. We are especially triggered in our important love relationships. Take a moment right now to think about what, in your relationships, triggers you into your fear or anxiety. Are you ... Read more

See More

 
PARTNER POSTS