Relationships: Mysteries of Attraction

By

Relationships: Mysteries of Attraction
Do you find yourself attracted to the same kind of person over and over and it never works out?

We are attracted to each other at our common level of woundedness and our common level of health.

What does this mean?

For example, Jackson, a very attractive man in his early 50s, had been married three times and had been in many relationships. He consulted with me because he was tired of going from relationship to relationship. He wanted a long-term relationship.

"Even though each relationship seems to be very different than the last one, in the end they all turn out to be the same."

Jackson grew up with a critical and controlling father and a mother who, on the surface, pretended that everything was okay, but was always pulling on Jackson to make her feel loved. Not surprisingly, Jackson consistently picked women who looked all together but who were very needy. He was mystified as to why he kept picking the same kind of woman.

Through his Inner Bonding work with me, Jackson discovered the deep level of loneliness he had felt with his mother. While she was a beautiful woman on the outside, on the inside she was empty and needy. He discovered that he had been drawn to women who were just like his mother, and then, with his critical and controlling behavior, tried to get them to connect with him. His mission with each woman he met was to find a way to heal the woman so he would not be lonely with her. More than wanting connection with a woman, he wanted CONTROL over the connection — which is not possible. In each relationship he ended up withdrawing when his control attempts didn't work.

As long as Jackson wanted control over connection, he would be attracted to disconnected and needy women. Once he fully accepted his lack of control over whether or not a woman connected with him, he found himself attracted to an open and loving woman — a woman who connects to him because that is who she is.

Jackson was originally attracted to women who were at his level of woundedness. After he consistently practiced Inner Bonding for about a year, he became attracted to a woman at his level of health.

If you are a caretaker, addicted to fixing others while ignoring yourself, it is likely that you find yourself attracted to takers — self-centered people who want others to take care of them.

If you are an angry or critical, controlling person, it is likely that you are attracted to people who easily give themselves up, or to people who are very resistant.

If you are an empty person, it is likely that you are attracted to a vibrant caretaking person.

And so on.

On the other hand, if you do your Inner Bonding work, healing your low self-esteem, your need to control, your resistance, your addictions to substances and processes, your fear of rejection and your fear of engulfment, and you discover how to take loving care of yourself, you will find yourself attracted to loving, kind and secure people.

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

If You're Always Getting Overlooked, You May Be To Blame

By

It feels terrible to be constantly overlooked. This is the situation that Melanie is struggling with: "Even when I think I am fitting in to a group and talking to everybody okay, I always seem to be overlooked when it comes to invitations etc. and then I feel completely invisible, as if they either don't remember that I exist or they are ... Read more

Do You Remember What You Say When You Are Enraged?

By

"Rage can…shut off the hippocampus [linked to memory], and people with out-of-control anger may not be lying when they say they don't recall what they said or did in that altered state of mind." Mindsight, P.155 Daniel Siegel, M.D. Have you had the experience of someone being enraged at you, and then when you try to talk about it after ... Read more

You Have To Love Yourself Before You Can Love Another

By

Antonio consulted with me because of problems he was having in his marriage. He was very distressed that his wife, Cynthia, never wanted to have sex with him. In the course of our work, it became apparent that Antonio was very judgmental of himself. Throughout a day he was constantly telling himself how inadequate he was. "You certainly messed that ... Read more

See More

PARTNER POSTS
Latest Expert Videos
Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Most Popular