The Relationship Loop of Control

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The Relationship Loop of Control
Do you wonder why you often have the same conflicts over and over?

Helplessness over others is a very challenging feeling and one that we could not manage at all when we were little children. We created our controlling wounded self to protect us against helplessness, as well as against the underlying core pain of loneliness and heartbreak. As long as we can convince ourselves that if we just do it right or say the right thing, we can get the other person to understand - and then change - we can temporarily avoid these very painful feelings.

But…what is the price we pay for this? The price is that we unwittingly perpetuate the very system that is causing the loneliness and heartbreak.

 

If Sadie were to simply walk away when Benjamin criticized her, she would stop the perpetuation of the energy loop. But, in order to walk away without anger or blame, she would need to compassionately embrace and accept her helplessness, loneliness and heartbreak over his treatment of her, bringing much love to herself.

Why does this break the loop? Because the loop requires both people to continue it. When one stops, the loop stops. Benjamin will continue to criticize her as long as he believes it will work to control her. Eventually, when he gets that she is no longer reacting to him, he may stop. But even if he doesn't, his criticism will become ineffectual once she is disengaged from it.
I encourage you to develop the courage to lovingly manage your core pain, rather than continue to try to control others in overt or covert ways.

To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free! ! Discover SelfQuest®, a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program. Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.

Connect with Margaret on Facebook: Inner Bonding, and Facebook: SelfQuest.

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
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Dr. Margaret Paul

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Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? To begin to learn Inner Bonding, take our FREE Inner Bonding course. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
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