The Power of Intimacy

The Recipe For Intimacy: Revealing And Accepting

By

The Recipe For Intimacy: Revealing and Accepting
In order to accept your partner, it's important to accept yourself.
Intimacy flows when we are open, kind, interested, supportive and self-revealing with each other.

Accepting Your Partner

In order to fully accept your partner when he or she reveals themselves to you, you need to be accepting of yourself. Judging yourself can lead to judging your partner, which creates an unsafe space for your partner to share themselves with you. If your partner is afraid of your judgment, then he or she will likely withhold information about themselves, which creates walls rather than intimacy.

More from YourTango: Relationships: When to Talk, When to Act

Intimacy flows naturally when each person takes responsibility for accepting and valuing themselves, so they can then accept and value their partner. When you do not accept and value yourself, you will then make your partner responsible for giving you the acceptance and valuing that you are not giving to yourself. This creates a problem, in that intimacy flows when you are sharing your love with your partner, rather than trying to get love. Intimacy is thwarted when one or both partners are trying to get love instead of share love.

In order to share love, you need to have love to share. You will have love to share when you are loving and valuing yourself — not when you are abandoning yourself. When you are abandoning yourself by judging yourself or by focusing in your head rather than your heart or by turning to addictions, you cut yourself off from your source of love, which creates an inner emptiness. When you try to connect with your partner from an empty place, your partner will feel a pull from you to give you the love you are not giving to yourself. Your partner might try to fill you or your partner might resist that responsibility, but in either case, loving feelings will not flow between you.

Intimacy flows when we are each open, kind, interested, supportive, and self-revealing with each other. It flows when we each feel safe to reveal our deepest fears and secrets and receive acceptance in return. In order to give this wonderful safe space to each, we each need to give it to ourselves as well. This is where our inner work comes in — the work we each need to do to learn to love, value and accept ourselves.

We feel intimate and connected with our partner when we know that we have each other's back — that we can each, at times, fall apart and receive warm, loving comfort and acceptance from each other. This is one of the greatest values of a loving relationship — to see and be seen, to hear and be heard, to understand and be understood, to give and receive love.

More from YourTango: Stop Escalating Conflict!

Nothing in life ever comes close to the joy of sharing this kind of love with your beloved.

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

How Far Am I In The Narcissism World?

By

All of us have some characteristics and behaviors that fall into the category of narcissism. Narcissism is on a continuum from mild, occasional, and subtle to the more ubiquitous, obvious or extreme behaviors of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Since narcissism is likely a part of everyone's ego wounded self, it is helpful to your personal growth and ... Read more

Using Your Inner Strengths To Become More Intimate

By

"Intimacy begins with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself." -Thomas Moore Do you try to create intimacy with your partner without first checking inside to see if you are connected with yourself? Do you believe that if you found ... Read more

Relationships: When to Talk, When to Act

By

In my work with couples, I am often asked, "Shouldn't I communicate with my partner about this? Shouldn't we talk this over?" For example, Ginger noticed that when her husband, Ron, became demanding sexually or started to complain about not having enough sex, she would become defensive and try to talk him out of his feelings by explaining ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
deep breath

Should I stay or Should i go? 5 Ways To Make The Best Decision

Are you confused about staying or going in a relationship? Read on...

shame

How to Get Over Your Stinkin' Thinkin'

Recognize "Stinkin Thinkin" that leads to depression and turn it into positive action and success.

valentines-flowers-surprise

Why Breakups Hurt

Breakups hurt us even when there is no love lost.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS