Oh No! Why Is Another Relationship On The Rocks? [EXPERT]

I often had this question in my dating years. I had no problems meeting men, but nothing seemed to last. Of course, at the time I thought it was because I was picking the wrong guy, but over the years I’ve discovered that it was mostly my own baggage that I carried from relationship to relationship.

What Baggage are you Carrying Around?

Most baggage stems from fears that we learned as we were growing up, especially fears of rejection/abandonment, i.e., losing the other person, and fears of engulfment - of being controlled and losing ourselves.

What is the baggage that is unhealed for you, that you keep dragging into each new relationship?

• I have an anger issue. When things don’t go my way or my fears of rejection or of being dominated get triggered, I explode.
   
• I’m a caretaker – the ‘nice’ one. I give myself up to please others in the hope they will love me, and then when they don’t, I feel used and resentful.
   
• I shut down and withdraw when I feel upset or hurt, punishing the other person with my withdrawal of love.
   
• I turn to various substance addictions - food, alcohol or drugs - when I’m stressed or threatened, to avoid my feelings.
   
• I turn to various process addictions such as TV, work, sex, gambling, shopping and spending, to avoid my feelings.
   
• I’m very demanding of my partner’s time and attention, doing some of the above things when I don’t get what I want.
   
• I’m very demanding of my partner sexually, using sex to make me feel that I’m okay and take away my anxiety and/or emptiness.
   
• I’m always afraid of being found out. I feel like a fraud, so I’m not open about myself and don’t like to explore conflict.
   
• I’m very judgmental of myself and others. It’s not okay for me or others to make mistakes.
   
• I tend to project onto others the things I do that I judge - thinking that when I’m closed, judgmental or angry, it’s really the other person doing these things.
   
• I blame others for my feelings.
   
• I lack empathy and compassion for myself and for others.
   
• Other________________________________.

When you have unhealed baggage, you will inevitably pick a partner who has unhealed baggage, as we are attracted to others at our common level of woundedness or health.

Healing Your Baggage