ProConnect

Love and Relationships: Best Feelings, Worst Feelings

By

Love and Relationships: Best Feelings, Worst Feelings
Do you believe your best & worst feelings come from whether or not you get love from others?

The loving Adult knows that it is self-abandonment, not being abandoned by others, that creates our fear, anxiety, depression and emptiness.

For example, Harrison had been practicing Inner Bonding for a while when the following situation brought home to him what really creates good feelings and what creates bad feelings.

More from YourTango: Relationships: When to Talk, When to Act

Harrison had been dating Kathleen for 6 months when they mutually agreed to end the relationship because Kathleen wanted children and Harrison didn't. It was hard for them to break up because they were physically attracted to each other, but the both knew that the children issue was a deal-breaker.

A month or so after breaking up, Kathleen called Harrison to get together. He knew in his gut that they would end it up having sex if they got together. He heard his inner child say, "No, this is not what I want," but his wounded self wanted to feel loved for a few hours.

"I just wanted that good safe feeling that comes from having sex and feeling cared for. But afterwards I felt awful. I'm not quite sure why I felt so bad."

"Harrison," I said, "When you decided to have sex with Kathleen, weren't you handing your inner child over to her? Isn't this what you have generally done in your relationships?"

"Yes, I have. But it feels so good to feel loved."

"But it feels so bad to abandon yourself. Are you convincing yourself that your bad feelings are coming from not seeing Kathleen again, rather than from abandoning yourself?"

"Oh! I see! I'm feeling bad because I abandoned myself! I can see that I always do this in relationships thinking that my best feelings come from being loved, but I always end up feeling smothered and engulfed in my relationships because I abandon myself to get that momentary good feeling. This is why my relationships are not working!"

While getting love from others always feels good for the moment, when we abandon ourselves to get love we will always end up feeling bad. The wounded self wants to believe that our bad feelings are coming from not being loved by the other, but they are really coming from having abandoned ourselves to get love.

To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free! Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.

More from YourTango: Stop Escalating Conflict!

Connect with Margaret on Facebook: Inner Bonding, and Facebook: SelfQuest.

Share this with someone you love (or even like a lot)!

Let's make it
FB official
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

How Far Am I In The Narcissism World?

By

All of us have some characteristics and behaviors that fall into the category of narcissism. Narcissism is on a continuum from mild, occasional, and subtle to the more ubiquitous, obvious or extreme behaviors of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Since narcissism is likely a part of everyone's ego wounded self, it is helpful to your personal growth and ... Read more

Using Your Inner Strengths To Become More Intimate

By

"Intimacy begins with oneself. It does no good to try to find intimacy with friends, lovers, and family if you are starting out from alienation and division within yourself." -Thomas Moore Do you try to create intimacy with your partner without first checking inside to see if you are connected with yourself? Do you believe that if you found ... Read more

Relationships: When to Talk, When to Act

By

In my work with couples, I am often asked, "Shouldn't I communicate with my partner about this? Shouldn't we talk this over?" For example, Ginger noticed that when her husband, Ron, became demanding sexually or started to complain about not having enough sex, she would become defensive and try to talk him out of his feelings by explaining ... Read more

See More

Recent Expert Posts
The Threesome: You, Your Partner & Money

You, Your Relationship & Your Debt: The Worst Threesome Ever

Married, living together or just building a committed relationship: Money is the uninvited third.

Dating Tips: 10 Signs Your Guy Has Fallen For You

10 Signs Your Guy Is Falling In Love With You

Does that new hunky guy you've been dating see you in his future? Here are 10 ways he'll show you.

Relationship Advice For Women: 5 Things That Turn Men Off

How To Lose A Guy In Ten Minutes: 5 Major Turn-Offs

If you want to impress a new guy, avoid these major turn-offs.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.

Resources
How to find the right pro for you
10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

10 Reasons Mental Health Pros Should Join YourTango Experts

YourTango Experts can help your business go from good to great.

10 Steps To Improve Your Coaching Business

Take your coaching business from mediocre to great in no time…

Frequently Asked Questions About YourTango Experts

Thinking of joining? Here's all the facts you need to know to make the most of your membership.

Getting Your Guy To Join You In A Therapy Or Coaching Session

So how can your get your strong, self-reliant, superman to talk to an Expert with you?

Therapist/Counselors: Who We Are & What We Do

What exactly does a therapist/counselor do and can they really help?

See more resources>
HOT STUFF!
FROM OUR PARTNERS