Love and Marriage: Do They Really Go Together?
By Dr. Margaret Paul. Posted on .
Do love and marriage really go together like a horse and carriage? For some they do but for many they don't.
Why not? Why does love seem to die away in so many marriages?
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At the beginning of most relationships that eventually lead to marriage, the couple falls in love and believes that this love will last forever. These two people are so open with each other and their love flows so freely that they can't imagine that their love may not last.
Yet, after the 3-6 month honeymoon period that most people have at the beginning of a new relationship, many people start to experience problems in the relationship. They may marry anyway, hoping marriage will solve these problems, only to find that the problems may get worse.
Unless you and your spouse both grew up with parents who knew how to take full, 100% responsibility for their own feelings, you have never had a role model of what this looks like in a primary relationship. The chances are you entered your marriage with expectations of how your partner was going to make you happy and worthy, take away your loneliness and fill your emptiness. The beginning of your relationship might have felt good as the two of you tried to do this for each other.
The flaw here is that someone else can't do this for you, no matter how much they might want to. HAPPINESS, SELF-WORTH AND INNER FULFILLMENT COME FROM HOW YOU TREAT YOURSELF AND OTHERS, NOT FROM HOW OTHERS TREAT YOU. Certainly it feels wonderful to feel loved, valued and respected, but if you are not valuing, loving and respecting yourself, you will soon feel that your spouse is not meeting your needs.
For example, if you are a person who is self-critical, or if you ignore your own feelings and do not take responsibility for them, but instead blame others for them, then no matter how loving your partner is to you, you will not feel happy, valued or loved.
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Most people are on good behavior at the beginning of a relationship, trying hard to please each other. But this can't last when you are not taking responsibility for yourself. Invariably, no matter how hard you or your partner try to please each other, neither of you will feel loved when you are not taking responsibility for your own feelings of pain, joy, happiness, self-worth and inner peace.
Once your marriage starts to experience problems, this is a wonderful opportunity for both of you to do the Inner Bonding work you didn't know you needed to do before getting married. This is the opportunity for you to learn how to take 100% responsibility for your own feelings of pain and joy through practicing Inner Bonding.
