Intimacy With Yourself


Intimacy With Yourself
Have you fallen out of love with your partner & are seeking intimacy elsewhere? Find it in yourself!

Over the 45 years that I have been counseling individuals and couples, I have very often worked with people who are considering leaving their marriage. Often they say things like:

• I no longer feel close or intimate with my spouse. I love him/her, but I'm no longer in love with him/her.
• The love we once had seems to be lost.
• We don't seem to have anything in common any more. We have gone off in different directions.
• I've met someone that makes me feel alive again. I haven't felt this alive with my husband/wife for years.

Generally, I try to find out if these two people were once in love and felt passionate about each other, and most of the time they did. But often the person on the phone with me believes these feelings cannot come back, especially if he or she has met someone else.

For example, Brandon consulted with me because he was thinking of leaving his marriage of 18 years. He still cared about his wife, but he was no longer in love with her. He had recently fallen in love with another woman, with whom he now had all the passion he previously had with his wife. The reason he hadn't  already left was their four children.

I asked Brandon not to make any decisions about leaving until we had a chance to work together for a few months with Inner Bonding.

It soon became evident that while Brandon was deeply desirous of having an intimate relationship, which he believed he had with the new woman, he had no intimacy with himself. By this I mean that he had lived his life ignoring his own feelings and needs.

Brandon was a nice guy who was there for his wife and children, but never there for himself. He was completely out of touch with his own feelings and needs. He had abandoned himself. He was often judgmental of himself, which led to his relying on others' approval for his sense of himself. He would care-take others in the hopes that they would give him the love, attention and approval that he was not giving to himself.

Love and intimacy almost always disappear in a relationship when we abandon ourselves by judging ourselves, by ignoring our feelings, and by making others responsible for our sense of worth. Because Brandon had been abandoning himself for years in his relationship with his wife, he was a sitting duck for an affair.

Brandon met his new fling because they were in the same profession and they met at a national sales meeting. Over dinner, she gave Brandon the attention and approval that he was not giving himself and that Jennifer was not giving to him. His wife was an executive in a large company and a busy mother of four, did not want the responsibility of taking care of Brandon. The problem was that Brandon had not wanted the responsibility of taking care of Brandon either.

As Brandon started to practice Inner Bonding and learned how to attend to his own feelings, and how to give himself the love and attention that he needed, he started to feel much better inside. He discovered that the more he learned to value himself, the more he reconnected with his wife.

I have often found in my work that as a person starts to treat themselves with the love and valuing that they have always sought from others—when they become intimate with themselves, they find themselves experiencing intimacy with their spouse. A marriage they thought was over becomes renewed with the love that they had been seeking from someone else.

Before you leave your marriage, especially if you have children, do your Inner Bonding work and learn to have intimacy with yourself. Apply this marriage advice, and you might be surprised at what happens with your relationship.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her new 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

To begin learning how to love and connect with yourself so that you can connect with your partner and others, take advantage of our free Inner Bonding eCourse, receive Free Help, and take our 12-Week home study eCourse, "The Intimate Relationship Toolbox" – the first two weeks are free! ! Discover SelfQuest®, a transformational self-healing/conflict resolution computer program. Phone or Skype sessions with Dr. Margaret Paul.

Connect with Margaret on Facebook: Inner Bonding, and Facebook: SelfQuest.

For More Marriage Advice From YourTango:

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul


Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

3 Types Of Hugs And How They Affect You


There are hugs — and then there are hugs. In other words, there are genuine loving and giving hugs, and there are needy hugs and inappropriately sexual hugs. There is a world of difference between these. While I knew this as a child — as most children do — I didn't have words for the difference. I just knew that I loved hugging and being ... Read more

Do You Listen?


Renowned singer Alanis Morrissette, who is a big proponent of Inner Bonding and a good friend of mine, gave a keynote talk at the 'Emerging Women' conference in Boulder, Colorado in 2013. She invited me to attend and I was delighted to hear her speak. Instead of giving a monologue, she had a dialogue with Tami Simon, the CEO of Sounds True, who ... Read more

Are You Secretly Controlling?


Most of us have learned some controlling behaviors that are not overtly obvious. For example, Sonia asked in one of my free webinars, "How can I help a man to share his fears of commitment with me without sounding like I am pressuring him?" If I were working with Sonia, I would ask her to explore these questions: "Why do you want him to ... Read more

See More


Sign up for our daily email and get the stories everyone is talking about.

Ask The Experts

Have a dating or relationship question?
Visit Ask YourTango and let our experts and community answer.