Do you find that you take loving care of yourself when you are alone, but that you lose yourself with someone you are attracted to, or around someone you want to connect with?
This is a common issue.
"I am perfectly able to care, love and connect to myself when I am alone. It's in the face of attraction to someone that I get lost and spiral into self-criticism and self-neglect patterns that feel impossible to get out of. Why does this happen?"
Lynne asks a very similar question:
"I find that I am able to love and care for myself when I am alone. However, it's in the face of trying to connect with others that I lose myself. Do you have any concrete tips/tricks on how to remain with the self and not self-abandon when getting to know others?"
Val and Lynne, this is all about intent. When you are alone, it is likely that your intent is to take loving care of yourself. But when you are with others, whom you are attracted to or want to get to know, you unconsciously shift your intent to controlling the other person.
Giving yourself up is a form of control. Self-criticism, self-neglect, self-abandonment are all forms of control. You may be operating from a couple of false beliefs:
• Who I really am is not good enough, not lovable enough. Therefore, if I am myself, no one will like me. I have to give myself up to be liked. If I am my authentic self, I will end up alone.
• I can control how others feel about me. If I look right and act right, then I can control whether or not someone is attracted to me.
These are two major false beliefs that many people believe to be true.
The 'concrete tips/tricks' that Lynne asked for are:
• Do an in-depth exploration of these beliefs: Why do you believe this? Where did you get these beliefs? How is it serving you to believe this?