How One Woman Gained Insight Into Her Relationship

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What a little conversation can do to change the rut your relationship is in ...

Client: My partner never lets me explain anything to him. It's so frustrating! He makes these statements that are blaming and attacking and then he won't listen to me when I'm trying to explain.Am I in a Healthy Relationship?

Me: Why do you want to explain? 

Client: I need to explain because he is not seeing things accurately. He is making assumptions that are not accurate.

Me: So you want to explain to get him to see things differently than he does?

Client: Yes.

Me: Isn't this, then, a form of control? Aren't you trying to get him to change how he sees things, or how he feels about you?

Client: Well, yeah, but he doesn't have all the information he needs. 5 Actions For Successful Relationships

Me: So he is blaming you as his form of control, and you are explaining as your form of control — is that right?

Client: Um ... I don't know. I never thought of explaining as a form of control.

Me: Aren't you trying to change his mind; to change how he sees things?

Client: Yes, I guess so. But is that wrong?

Me: It is neither right or wrong, but is it working for you?

Client: No! He won't listen to me. How To Become A Better Listener

Me: Do you think it is possible that he won't listen to you because he doesn't want to be controlled by you? He doesn't want you trying to talk him out of how he sees things.

Client: Yes. That is actually what he says. But I'm just trying to give him the facts — the truth.

Me: The problem is that he does not want the facts. He is not asking you for the facts. When he is attacking and blaming, he just wants to control you. He is not interested in learning. And neither are you. You are just trying to get him to see the facts as you see them.

Client: Oh, I see this now. But what should I do when he is attacking and blaming and not seeing me or not seeing things accurately?

Me: How does it feel in your heart when he attacks and blames? Take a moment to tune inside and see what your heart feels when he is so unloving to you. Are You Addicted To Love Or Addicted To Approval?

Client: Oh, I feel awful. I feel so angry and hurt.

Me: Look under the anger and hurt feelings. What other feelings are you covering over with your anger and hurt? Tune into your heart. What do you feel in your heart? 

Client: I feel sad, and helpless. I hate feeling helpless. My heart also hurts.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission.
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Dr. Margaret Paul

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Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
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