How do you Make Others Responsible for Your Painful Feelings?

By

How do you Make Others Responsible for Your Painful Feelings?
Discover some of the more common ways you may be dumping your feelings onto others.

We have all learned many ways of trying to avoid or get rid of our painful feelings. Many of these ways are fairly obvious: addictions to substances and activities, staying in your mind rather than in your body, or judging yourself.

Another major way we avoid or try to get rid of our painful feelings is by making others responsible for them in various ways. When we are filled with painful feelings and are not open to our spiritual guidance to help us learn from them and release them, we might dump them on others in various ways, in an effort to release them. How do you dump your feelings onto another?

 

• I yell at, judge and/or blame someone, hoping they will understand how much I’m hurting and change what they are doing. Or I hope they will be compassionate, caring and approving, or give me permission to do something I want to do, but am not allowing myself to do.

• I calmly and relentlessly complain about something over and over, badgering the other person, with the hope that they will say just the right thing to release the painful feelings in me. I believe that if they agree, change or acknowledge what they are doing, I will feel better. Even if they do say the “right” thing, I keep at it, because it’s never right enough.

• I cry as a pathetic victim, hoping the other person will feel badly enough to give me the compassion I’m not giving to myself, or that they will stop doing what they are doing that is hurting me, so that I don’t have to take loving action for myself.

• I talk on and on addictively, hoping that if I talk enough and get enough attention from the other person, my pain will release.

• I shut down and withdraw my love from the other person, hoping they will feel badly enough to change and give me the understanding and compassion I’m not giving to myself.

• I try to have sex with my partner to release my stress and feel better about myself.
What happens in your relationships when you do any of these addictive things? While these wounded, self-abandoning behaviors may work temporarily to distract you from your pain, they all result in more disconnection and loneliness between you and those important to you. While it might seem as if the pain subsides when you dump your feelings onto others, all that really happens is that the feelings go deeper within and get stuck in your body, causing many physical and emotional problems.

The Alternative

This article was originally published at Inner Bonding . Reprinted with permission.
Article contributed by
Advanced Member

Dr. Margaret Paul

Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process - featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Take our FREE Inner Bonding course, and click here for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer. Visit our website at innerbonding.com for more articles and help, as well as our Facebook Page. Phone and Skype sessions available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

Location: Pacific Palisades, CA
Credentials: PhD
Specialties: Anxiety Issues, Couples/Marital Issues, Depression
Other Articles/News by Dr. Margaret Paul:

Scream If You're OVER Being Your Partner's Therapist

By

One of the important things I learned in my own marriage and in my work with clients is that a committed relationship is NOT supposed to be a therapeutic relationship. We can help each other to learn, grow and heal, but this is very different than a therapeutic relationship. In a marriage, or close committed relationship or friendship, we can help each ... Read more

The Essential Guide To Romance vs Friendship

By

James, in his mid-30s, was ready to meet his life partner, get married and have children. After dating many women, he met Cindy. "She is really beautiful, although I'm not sure she's my type. But I think she is perfect for me. We have the same interests, the same values, we go to the same church and we both want children. My friends who meet ... Read more

Do You React Well To Irrational Behavior?

By

Ted's mother was often emotionally irrational. She would demand irrational things from him, such as telling him that it was his job to make her happy. She would cry and yell when he did anything for himself, claiming that he was selfish and making her miserable. Often, she would scream at him out of the blue, for seemingly no reason at all. Sometimes she ... Read more

See More

 
My Videos
ASK YOURTANGO MORE QUESTIONS
Must-see Videos
SEE MORE VIDEOS
Most Popular